Blair Witch (2016)

Oh lord

1) Many of you long blog fans will remember when I reviewed tha first movie (one of my first posts on tha blog). If you haven't read it, I would recommend it because 30 year old Buffalo and 24 year old Buffalo still share similar criticisms.

2) The movie was off to a good start. JJ and I had tha theater to our selves and we had soda and candy.

3) Only then tha wheels fall off. It's a sequel where they are trying to find his sister from the first movie (which reminds you of tha remake Friday the 13th). One girl cuts her foot and then it starts pulsating and later spits out a piece of string. (Go back and read that sentence again- it was that bad). Then she dies when she falls off a tree trying to retrieve a drone. Her companion dies (maybe) when a tree falls on him. SMH

4) Finally at the end you anticipate you'll get some closure. They run into the same cabin as the first movie. It looks the same inside. You finally figure out why people stare in the corner (so they don't see the witch and die). But then they ruin it some more. Creepy dude from the beginning comes back to try to kidnap the chick. The guy and chick (SPOILER) both die after they look at the witch.

5) Usually I don't do a 5, but this was bad. Things that tha movie didn't resolve: a) was tha creepy guy really in on tha whole thing? b) did that Pete (Petey sp?) guy really die? c) how can tha witch stop time and make it flash outside? d) why did they buy these 3 dollar budge flashlights instead of those industrial ones? d) WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH DO THESE PEOPLE KEEP FILMING THIS? I mean, you're dragging yourself down a tunnel after you see a bunch of creepy figures out in the middle of the woods, and you're like "I really better make sure to get this on tape.

A SMDH moment for sure,

C- (only because it is better than that awful Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2)

Sleepy Hollow

1) Tha weather is pretty tight during tha movie. I always wish Halloween had super creepy fog outside lol.

2) Two huge initial barriers that this movie didn't overcome. First it had Johnny Depp in it. For you long time fans you know he gives me tha willies. And as I mentioned before, these movies set back in tha day are pretty boring.

3) There were some other pretty stupid parts. Like, what is up with tha hole in tha tree that tha dude keeps all of the heads and jumps into at tha end of tha movie? And why is tha dude afraid of spiders? I mean there's some headless dude decapitating people? Aren't spiders tha least of your concern?

4) And tha ending is pretty bad. So tha guy bites off tha one girls face, jumps through tha tree, then it is peacefully snowing everywhere? SMH.

C-

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

1) I think the connections here between this and tha rest of the Paranormal movies is pretty difficult to grasp, even for a local expert like Uncle Buffalo.

2) Tha movie is hinted to at tha end of Paranormal Activity 4 with tha newspaper clippings they see near tha end of tha movie. I think the general gist is that all of tha crazy witch chicks out of Paranormal Activity 3 are the ones who come to "mark" (read: alan) these kids to get possessed and ultimately TKO'd by demons.

3) I think to get to that point you have to have time travel, which you can see when he runs through tha place in tha 3rd movie and somehow ends up back with tha girls from tha original Paranormal Activity. I've said before that time travel in horror movies is pretty jitsu, but it may make a little sense here since it could set up tha ability for future PN movies to come out without having to pay heed to any continuity in tha franchise.

4) All that being said it was pretty stupid. I think tha whole point of all these movies was to spook the hell out of you while it was all quiet by having something random jump out of nowhere. Almost all of this movie is trying to explain loose ends, which I guess is good if someone is paying super close attention. But I think the whole point of these movies is for people with ADD to be able to go and be scared without having to figure out a story line.

C-

Final Destination

Alright BW, time 2 get caught up.

1) This was one of those movies that was really good back in the day (circa 8th grade-early high school). And now, looking back, it's like that Backstreet Boys album you bought: present-you just SYDH.

2) It has a pretty good (or mediocre) plot idea. Fate holds a certain future for you, if you skip the chosen path, then it has to come back to get you. I guess it leaves me confused though. I mean, what real interest does fate have in getting these 5 run-of-the-mill high school kids? They all seem pretty ho-hum and un-noteworthy.

3) A lot of the deaths were pretty SMH. The scenes where that guy gets schwangled in the shower and the car locking that guy in aren't gonna win awards anytime soon.

4) It was tight that Stifler was in it. Except that they decapitated him smh.

C-

The Voice Season 6

BW, I know I always apologize about tha delays. Besides putting in tha work lately, I've been in a fit of depression (re: Jayhawks).

My other fit of depression is what has triggered this blog post about THA VOICE. Now I know what you're thinking: "Buff, tha horror movies you review are bad enough... why are you now reviewing tha voice?" Well let me tell you bw,

1) For you blog fans that have never seen tha show, tha gist of it is that these people go audition to be on a team of one of tha 4 coaches and after they are on a coaches team, they are coached until someone is crowned tha best singer.

2) So I'm sitting around watching the Voice (because other Monday night TV blows) and all of a sudden they show PAULA DEANDA auditioning for tha voice. Now for you n00bs that don't know who Paula DeAnda is, shame on you. She had tha hit 2006 hit single WALK AWAY. She had another music video that was featuring Bow Wow. And not to embarrass my other friend Buff, but just so you all get an idea of how big she was. Buff's music tracker website shows that she is the 5th most played artist OF ALL TIME. Step back and think about that. Out of all Buff's music, she's tha 5th most played artist.

3) She pops on tv and I'm like amen- the whole season will just be her lighting it up. Then flash forward to tha first week of battles and she's cut. I mean, WTF? Someone with a top 20 Billboard single is cut. I mean, even I could make it through tha first round of cuts. So my Monday and Tuesday night tv schedule has been all screwed up. Combine that with tha Good Wife killing off Will (topic for a whole new post), and it's been pretty miserable tv wise lol.

Anywho, I'll get back to tha horror reviews soon :(

C-

You're Next

Me and @alan watched this and it was kind of a turd.

1) Most home invasion movies are pretty scary and this one had a pretty spooky plot. I mean, family reunions are already draining when you have to drive somewhere and stay the night. Add a bunch of stalker people with animal masks and it's pretty scary.

2) It reminded me of Sorority Row in that the killer is actually the main chick's boyfriend who tries to convince her it was a good idea all along lol. Unfortunately it was super predictable and I ruined it for Alan not too far into tha movie.

3) The main dude also plays that crazy guy who randomly shoots that girl in The House of the Devil. That really should've been a top 10 scariest movie scene.

4) And unfortunately it reminded me of Home Alone (if Home Alone was a rated R movie about people coming to kill Macaulay Culkin). I mean, there's all these booby traps set up inside and outside of the house. Like the one that had barbed wire outside the house so when they left they'd run into it. I mean, a 12 year old could have done that. And what if the guy just looked before he started running aimlessly into the abyss?

Too predictable and got boring in the middle of it,

C-

The Thing (1982)

1) Despite my personal love of aliens, I never really can dig the alien movies very well. I used to love tha Unsolved Mysteries about aliens and I have always wanted to go alien hunting in Oregon, but for whatever reason Hollywood can't put together a solid movie about tha subject.

2) Part of the problem is that this isn't a story about some abduction or anything. It's just these explorers in the Arctic find some organism that can transform into anything it takes over. And then they just keep suspecting the other ones of being taken over. It's kind of like The Faculty but not a teen thriller and based in somewhere cold and boring.

3) To be honest I fell asleep in the middle of the movie (I h8 napping lol) but didn't really feel like I missed much. I assumed some people that were no longer in the movie got killed off but besides that think I pretty much got the gist of it.

4) There's a tool shed in tha movie lol.

It's long and not much happens

C-

The Hole (2009)

1) I know this isn't Academy Award winning material, but the title sounded funny (lol), it was less than 90 minutes long, and that really good looking chick from American Reunion has a 10 second part in it lol.

2) Really reminded me of Disturbia. Screw-up kid has new neighbors, gets a thing for the girl next door, finds a hobby together scoping out some creepy stuff. Also tailed off into a less scary version of the movie IT (which btw I keep forgetting to review).

3) Which is also where the movie went kinda downhill. I mean, they figure out that the only things creeping out of this hole are things that scare you, and if you can just not be afraid of them anymore then you're g2g. Kind of begs the question why the hole isn't constantly opening up to freak out the entire neighborhood.

4) I mean, the big scary monster at the end of the movie is the kid's dad. If the hole really works like this, I hate to see what other "scary monsters" could pop out? I can just see someone's fear of settling down causing a bunch of clingy girls to jump out of there; or a bunch of gun control laws popping out to scare Maker lol.

C-

Seed of Chucky

1) While we we're in the spirit of Chucky I figured that I'd round out the series by reviewing this turd of a movie. Definitely the lowest of low for the franchise. It totally explains why they were so apprehensive about funding another movie after this one.

2) Not a lot of it makes sense or was really funny. I mean, Redman makes a cameo for almost no real purpose. Chucky drives Britney Spears off the road and makes an "opps I did it again" joke. And how'd Glen get tha British voice? Smh.

3) You remember the first time you got JWW's Taiwan file? He's hyped it up the whole summer, it's like 600 some odd pages, and has like 18 different chapters. You're like WOW, I can't wait to get a hold of this. Then you realize that you might as well have just donated all that paper to the local pet store to give the birds something to crap on. (LOL JK JON).

Likewise, here, the whole movie, you sit here, watching it, hoping it gets better. And then it just gets worse and worse. Jennifer Tilly gets pregnant from Chucky's semen that his lady friend impregnated her with. I mean do I really need to go much further into it than that?

Eh, it's still Chucky,

C-

The Last Exorcism Part II

1) Pretty weird movie. Having not previously reviewed the first movie, I don't want to spoil too much for my fans lol. The beginning really reminded me of MAMA when that crazy chick is shifting around the house all creepily.

2) Part of my beef with all of the devilesque movies is that there can probably really never be an ending to them. I mean I get that you could (maybe) keep the devil away from possessing an individual. But how are you just supposed to TKO the devil altogether? Even here, there's just a prophecy that he's gonna go to town on the whole planet. How is she supposed to prevent that?

3) Which also begs the question for these movies why there are even sequels. I mean, from the end of this movie the world is already screwed. Hopefully we don't get to see what a third one of these movies looks like lol.

4) Anyone catch that she was staying at the killer from the I Know What You Did Last Summer movies?

Meh,

C-

Les Miserables

I don't know where to begin blog world. Actually, I know I'll get some hoola for tuning into this but at least it was better than the Dirty Projectors lol.

1) What on earth was going on with the casting in this one? Bruno was singing a bunch, Russell Crowe shouldn't have been singing, and I wish Amanda Seyfried would stay in RomComs and horror movies.

2) All of the singing parts were pretty smdh. The whole movie is one giant continuous song. How would you buy the soundtrack on this one and how does Alan know it?  And there was just a wreck of songs where 4 people are singing at once but none of them are singing the same thing. It's like some bad group therapy session where everyone sees who can yell the loudest.

3) The scenes were also pretty random.  It starts off with that prisoner guy then audibles to that girl who gets sad whose kid is missing. And then they audible to the French Revolution? As I've mentioned before, I'm no history major, but what was the point of including that? It's like they just lose, everyone gets sad, but then they sing about it at the end?

4) FWIW all the bw should take this with a grain of salt because I think I was lost most of the movie. When the movie got over I hadn't realized that Anne Hathaway's character had died mid-film. At the end when she walks out to grab the prisoner guy I couldn't figure out for the life of me why people were crying. They should have a subtitle that references that it's supposed to be heaven lol.

Kinda miserable lol. Get it?

C-

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

1) Not really much of a horror movie. I mean, I get that there are vampires in it and all, but it's not really spooky, especially since it's supposed to be historical (well in a fictional sense). Most of the movies are just these action shots that are overshot in slow motion. If there wasn't so much slow motion the movie would probably get over faster lol.

2) I'd go on a rant about watching these 3D movies without the 3D effect but I've barked up that tree too many times before.

3) How tight was it when Papa Doc from the hit motion picture 8 Mile popped up in it. He automatically bumps up every movie rating he's in, he's just so tight (see What's Your Number for more evidence of this).  Come to think of it, he probably just should've challenged the vampires to rap battles. I mean, it's kind of like an old school duel, but still gives an appropriate shout out to his role in 8 mile.

4) Although this movie wasn't generally reviewed well by the critics, I do fear that it could spark a wreck of spinoffs that could be horrible. Imagine 'William Taft: Bathtub Layer'. The possibilities to Linc (link get it?) presidents to horror icons makes me nervous about the future of these movies.

C-

Godzilla, King of the Monsters!

1) I'm kinda confused how they are not totally sure of who wrecked all the havoc in the first place. I mean, didn't people see this gigantic monster running around this huge city? I get they couldn't tweet what was going on at the time to alert the others, but really this doesn't seem to be that hard to figure out. He's not bigfoot.

2) I dunno what's going on with these older classic movies. But it seems like no monster/villain ever just pops out of nowhere. In The Mummy, The Invisible Man, and Frankenstein all involve these scientists that are just curiously creating these supermonsters to wreck havoc on the world. At least in this one the guy has made an oxygen destroyer instead of just creating the monster himself.

3) And what a crazy thing to just start investigating in. I mean, who sits around and just decides to develop some formula that sucks the oxygen up out of you? Did he get a license from the government for this? Seems like some risky experimenting.

4) It's hard to be too scared of this at the end of the day. Living in Kansas kind of insulates me from having to fear oceanesque creatures that could make it rain on small town KS. Then again, I did get nervous that the guy jumping out of space the other day might just land through the Cone. Never say never.

C-

Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

1) One of the big problems is there's not really a focus on the 13 ghosts. On the DVD there's this extra feature that explains a background story for all 13 of the ghosts that goes into a way over detailed biographical explanation for all of them. It'd be cooler if they explored that in the movie instead of having to do it after the fact.

2) Some of it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm still unsure why those big pieces of glass can deflect all the ghosts away. I mean, that one guy got killed with one of them so why can't the ghosts use them? And why would the ghosts leave these super power glasses around that allow them to be detected?

3) Crazy that Shannon Elizabeth and that Monk guy were in it. Pretty funny that Brock from She's All That is in it too lol. He's always kind of a n00b in horror movies and this one's not too different.

4) At least the movie poster was pretty solid. It spells 13 all goofy, and says Misery loves company. I can't find a link to it, but back in March when Missouri and Duke lost ESPN ran that headline lol.

Meh,

C-

The Changeling

1) Reminds me of a mix between Poltergeist and Paranormal Activity. Unfortunately the movie just seemed to move to slowly. In the Poltergeist or PNA at least there was some development. Here, the guy just kind of goofs around while barely anything creepy happens.

2) The guy should've probly done some prior inspections of the house. If I was gonna move across the country (not ever happening) I'd at least look around at the neighborhood or see if anyone had ever died in the house. After he moves in that one group even tells him he shouldn't live there!

3) That being said the guy never even seems really creeped out. You never see him scream or run out of the house too terrified to come back. I guess I always wonder in the Paranormal movies like this why the people don't just jump ship. If the Cone became haunted I'd be out of here in a heartbeat lol.

4) At the end of the day it's hard for me to get on board for the ghost stories where the ghost isn't actually evil. I mean, that poor kid obvi needed some redemption, but I don't know if a horror movie is the way to go. Instead of doing all that spooky stuff, why doesn't the kid just make a bunch of evidence of his death available to the guy to take to the police? Would solve his dilemma while avoid scaring the guy.

C-

The Devil Inside

1) These exorcist movies are real hit or miss. This one reminded me of a slightly better version of Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes: bad ending and a poor attempt at showing 'actual' footage.

2) And this might have been one of the worst movie endings of all time. I mean, I get having everyone just be possessed and stuff but what was up with the "for more information about this ongoing investigation please visit the following website"? They couldn't just say 'we never knew what happened' but had to try and get viewers to go log on to some website to generate more money for this mediocre movie? SMH.

3) In the interests of full disclosure, I did not go log onto this other website so maybe I didn't see the actual movie ending. I didn't want to endorse this ending anymore lol.

4) I guess for all the possession movies that have been floating around this one was at least kind of original. I didn't get board and they never really explored this plot angle before.

Meh,

C-

Moneyball

1) I should preface this with a caveat: these Academy Awardesque movies will not continue to pop up on the blog for much longer. The other day Alan agreed to watch No One Would Tell if I watched this. So don't get your hopes up thinking these 'good' movies will keep being reviewed lol.

2) I obvi like a lot of sports movies (The 2008 NCAA Championship, White Men Can't Jump, Rocky), but this one wasn't quite up to par.

3) I even like the Sports documentary genre, but this one just seemed kinda slow. Like I get it, they need to struggle, implement the new system, struggle some more, and then show that it pays off. Like a lot of other movies, I think this one just could've cut to the chase a little quicker. And even the side story with his daughter was kind of boring/irrelevant.

4) I think I like Jonah Hill better in some of his other good shit like Knocked Up or Superbad. It's hard to take him seriously as some mathematics guru after seeing him in some of the other raunchy shit he's in.

Nothing to write home about,

C-

Gothika

1) I know I get confused easily, but this one was a barnburner. I mean, so there's this psychiatrist who sees this little girl in the road one night and swerves out of the way. She wakes up and is in her own psych ward and is informed she murdered her husband. She (obvi) has no recollection of it.

2) Thats when it gets confusing. There's like this ghost running around the psych ward who randomly makes appearances. Somehow the dudes who killed the people can summon the ghost somehow. And the ghost can somehow make her blackout? This ghost doesn't make any sense.

3) And why would they put her back in with her patients? That wouldn't make any sense.

4) I mean, I guess it was a semi-unique plot at the time, and Halle Berry was in it. Overall it was just confusing and didn't make any sense.

Wah-wah,

C-

The Devil

1) I'm a big fan of movies that stay around the hour and a half range but I'm always skeptical of those that are only an hour and 13 minutes long. My skepticism turned out to be justified lol.

2) I'm no religion expert (although going to Church is tight), but I don't understand the deal the devil made with the guy at the end of the movie. It's like because he confessed to the cops the devil won't take him anymore? Why is the devil concerned with him making peace with the world? Why would he care at all? I don't get it.

3) In addition to my fear of heights, I'm not wild about elevators. I mean, there's only a chance the thing locks up/plummets and it's all because people were too lazy to take the stairs. I guess being trapped with the devil is reason number 2 just to take the stairs.

4) It was hard to take that one guy from Supertroopers too seriously at the beginning of the movie. I think they really wanted the audience to think he was the devil, but the whole time I just kept imagining him trying to lick the elevator saying "The Snozberries really taste like Snozberries."

Ehhhh

C-

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

What's good blog world, this last friday was FRIDAY THE 13TH, but there's 2 more of them this year (april and july) so I don't feel too terrible for missing this last one. The spooky part is is that there are 13 weeks between each one.

1) That being said, it's kind of goofy. I mean, this girl somehow telekineticly (sp?) makes Jason pop up and go crazy? What a gigantic screwup that was to accidentally make Jason pop back up instead of her dad.

2) This kind of ruined the ending as well too. I mean, this girl just has the ability to prevent Jason from killing people? They really coulda used this in Jason X when they can't seem to figure out how to stop him from making it rain on people.

3) This and Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday are by far the worst Friday the 13th movies by far. I really wish they just woulda had Jason come back each movie with the same sort of plot. I don't understand why they have to throw in these stupid additional plot elements that suck.

4) I think there's all these crazy uncut scenes on the old DVD of this that I used to have, but I always remember them being pretty ho-hum given that they are from the late 80s lol.

C-