Eyes Wide Shut

What's good blog world, sorry for the delays,

1) Man 2012 has been tight. But this movie maybe the worst movie I've seen in the last 3 years (minus Annie Hall).

2) It's like 3 hours long and nothing happens. It's got to be one of the slowest movies of all time. Like an hour into it all they've done is gone to some dance where they were both bored. For a movie that lasted so long you think they would have some plot development, etc. Nothing.

3) What was the plot of this movie? That Tom Cruise is bored with his sex life so he looks to some weird mystery society for guidance? Is it that he was investigating the weird club the whole time? Or that the one chick died? Either way you look at it nothing gets resolved. I mean, he tells his wife he went to the weird club and then she decides she still loves him.

4) Speaking of which, how horrible would that conversation be? 'Like, honey, I went to this prostitute, and paid her 150 dollars, then spent 300 dollars at this costume store where I witnessed an underage girl being taken advantage of, then strolled off to this mask party that was way out in the boonies where they threatened to hurt you if I told anyone about it so I investigated it.' She'd be like...uhhhhhhhhhhhh.

5) And why was that goddamn piano so loud the whole time? The whole movie they just kept striking the same piano key over and over again really loudly. It was like nails on a chalkboard. I'll bet people were just pouring out of the theater when this movie played back in the day.

F

Paranormal Activity 3

1) Top notch spooky stuff. One of the things that scares the bejesus out of me is when people are just standing somewhere staring at you for no reason. I think it's why The Strangers really spooked the hell out of me. This movie was just chalked full of this little ghost chick standing and staring. Really spooky. Movies with scary little kids also give me the willies and this had a bunch of them running around too.

2) The whole keeping a camera on at all times doesn't make any sense. Like if someone was actually haunting the place why would you carry around the stupid camera to tell your ladyfriend about it? I'd be like put down the camera and just tell me what is going on. It's kind of why The Blair Witch Project didn't make any sense either. I mean, your friend is stranded out in the woods and you're still trying to video tape it? SMH

3) Why did that one chick agree to babysit here? I mean, there's already 2 creepy little girls that are there, and then they tell you that they have these cameras all rigged up in order to spot all this scary activity that's going on. Just sounds like poor planning to me.

4) The ending was kind of confusing. There was like the group of old women wearing black and then the ladyfriend's mom popped that guys back. I get that he's mooching off his girlfriend's money to buy those VHS tapes, but was that really necessary? She must've really like her old boyfriend lol,

B+

The Devil

1) I'm a big fan of movies that stay around the hour and a half range but I'm always skeptical of those that are only an hour and 13 minutes long. My skepticism turned out to be justified lol.

2) I'm no religion expert (although going to Church is tight), but I don't understand the deal the devil made with the guy at the end of the movie. It's like because he confessed to the cops the devil won't take him anymore? Why is the devil concerned with him making peace with the world? Why would he care at all? I don't get it.

3) In addition to my fear of heights, I'm not wild about elevators. I mean, there's only a chance the thing locks up/plummets and it's all because people were too lazy to take the stairs. I guess being trapped with the devil is reason number 2 just to take the stairs.

4) It was hard to take that one guy from Supertroopers too seriously at the beginning of the movie. I think they really wanted the audience to think he was the devil, but the whole time I just kept imagining him trying to lick the elevator saying "The Snozberries really taste like Snozberries."

Ehhhh

C-

Tucker & Dale vs Evil

1) It was pretty good. Kind of like my thoughts on Shaun of the Dead, I'm never really wild about the comedy horror movies but this one was pretty well done.

2) I think I also liked it because the whole gist of the movie was really similar to the 2009 Friday the 13th which in retrospect I should've given a better grade.

3) Two other things that boosted the movie's grade

a) They mixed in a little RomCom with that chick falling in love with the hillbilly.

b) The non-leading blond was a super babe. She probably independently bumped this movie up a few points.

The fact that it wasn't an actual horror movie obvi dragged its grade down a bit but whatever,

B

Trust

1) At first I was really excited about this since David Schwimmer directed it. For those of you who are unfamiliar with him, he played Ross on the hit TV show Friends. Dear god was this a long ways away from Friends.

2) The whole movie is actually screwed up. I'm a big fan of the crime based dramas where they have to hunt down some sexual predator Law and Order SVU style, but this one wasn't near as good. There was no Elliot Stabler, no dramatic jury trial, and really no conclusion.

3) The ending was just sad. I mean, they don't catch the sexual predator? And then if that wasn't enough they show him being a physics teacher in Sunnyville USA with a wife and kids. Why didn't they just catch the guy?

4) I read in an interview that David Schwimmer wanted to distance himself from being Ross on Friends. I don't know why he'd want to replace that image of himself with someone who makes these sad drama movies with depressing endings. I mean, Matt LeBlanc won a Golden Globe in his new show Episodes. I just wish Ross went somewhere sort of near the Friends genre.

Beggars can't be choosers,

D+

Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood

What's good blog world, this last friday was FRIDAY THE 13TH, but there's 2 more of them this year (april and july) so I don't feel too terrible for missing this last one. The spooky part is is that there are 13 weeks between each one.

1) That being said, it's kind of goofy. I mean, this girl somehow telekineticly (sp?) makes Jason pop up and go crazy? What a gigantic screwup that was to accidentally make Jason pop back up instead of her dad.

2) This kind of ruined the ending as well too. I mean, this girl just has the ability to prevent Jason from killing people? They really coulda used this in Jason X when they can't seem to figure out how to stop him from making it rain on people.

3) This and Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday are by far the worst Friday the 13th movies by far. I really wish they just woulda had Jason come back each movie with the same sort of plot. I don't understand why they have to throw in these stupid additional plot elements that suck.

4) I think there's all these crazy uncut scenes on the old DVD of this that I used to have, but I always remember them being pretty ho-hum given that they are from the late 80s lol.

C-

11/11/11

1) SMH. I was really looking forward to watching (what I thought was) this movie. This popped up on the netflix instant thing and it turned out its actually this knock off movie. The original one is about a guy who goes to Europe and keeps seeing the number 11. This one is just titled 11/11/11 instead of 11-11-11. smh.

2) This movie is actually like a junior varsity version of The Omen. I mean it's almost identical except for the 6/6/6 thing. They have a crazy evil nurse/housekeeper who tries to get the kid to realize his devil potential, the kid doesn't speak the whole time, and the mom accidentally gets pregnant even though she didn't mean to. I mean I guess the one difference is that he actually follows through and kills the son at the end.

3) The only problem is there are just these goofy plot additions. I mean, what was up with the scene where the 5 professors are sitting around in the smoke filled car talking about their evil plan? And why does this crazy cat lady keep bringing the kid the lemonade? And how do those bees just come up in that police car and attack that guy?

4) I can't stand all the people cutting themselves either. People just touching my wrists in general give me the willies but that stuff is just way over the top.

C

Hostel Part 3

What's good blog world,

1) This was pretty ho hum. I'm not wild about the whole torture porn horror movies, but this one didn't even really have any scenes remotely resembling the last movie. I mean, it was cool that it took place in Vegas, but pretty mediocre besides that.

2) The whole straight to video thing was probably responsible for most of this. I mean, this movie was so bad that even the makers of the movie didn't want to put it in theaters.

3) It was a sort of good plot twist that the one dude was in on it the whole time I guess.

4) The ending was pretty bad too. I mean, I get that they want to get revenge and all. But was that last kill really necessary?

C-

Some Thoughts On the Record

Earlier I was explaining to Alan about how I have a much better movie taste than he does. Alan and I talk about this weekly so I thought I'd just go on the record about some of my thoughts about certain movies that obviously need to be made public.



The following statements will never change:

1) Empire Records is the worst movie of all time. I'd put a link to a review that I've done to it here, but I haven't reviewed it because it's that bad. It's worse than Adaptation, Annie Hall, and Lord of the Rings all put together. It's so bad I can't even begin to describe it. I mean, the people just sit in this stupid records store all night. It's so boring it's unbelievable.

2) Sorority Row is still obvi a top 5 movie of all time. It's one of the few movies that I can fall asleep to on repeat because it never gets old.

3) 8 Mile is the sickest movie of all time obvi.

4) For all my love of RomCom movies, I really don't like feel good/disney/animated/christmas movies. It would take a Christmas miracle for this to change. No matter how many of these I sit through they still blow.

What's Your Number?

1) It's super predictable. I mean, some dude friend starts helping her find her ex lovers. Obvi they're gonna fall in love along the way. It's unbelievably predictable- I mean she goes off with some other dude and she's obviously gonna leave him for the other dude.

2) All was generally going well in this movie until that stupid scene where they break into Madison Square Garden. Is this realistic that they play strip poker and commit aggravated burglary at the same time before jumping into that river? What kind of date was that?

3) That being said the movie was pretty tight. It had an original plot line, was pretty funny, and had her dad said LOL. #yak #yota. My only real qualm with the plot is just a personal grievance about settling down LOL.

4) Two other things really boosted this movie:

a) Anna Farris is in it. Now I know what you're thinking- she's not in anything great. But she is in the sick tv show Friends. She plays Erica the birth mother of monica and chandler's twins.

b) PAPA DOC from 8 Mile was in it. He plays one of her ex-hookups. I almost had to rewind it just because it was so tight.

c) They mention TWITTER a bunch.

5) Ciera had some totally irrelevant commentary that she wanted me to write including but not limited to: a) She was very fashionable the whole movie; b) her room was cute; c) the cinematography was good. #smh

Good stuff

B+

Sixteen Candles

1) I used to be really into this when I was in grade school. I watched it at a grade school party one time (lol) and got hooked on it. Ever since then it's lost its luster a little bit.

2) There's too many side stories going on. They forget her birthday, the geek is trying to make it rain, the dude wants to get rid of his hot girlfriend, and Molly Ringwald is doing 2400 things. I think the movie would have been better if they just honed in on 1 of the stories.

3) This is one of those movies where I'm kind of confused why the dude gets rid of the crazy hot girl for the normal ho-hum one. She's light years ahead of those others babes too (see Crazy, Stupid, Love or Swimfan). The one exception to this is obvi Last Kiss, that girl is just out of this world.

4) The whole story just generally seems underdeveloped. I mean, they both have quasi-crushes on each other and their first contact is like the last 10 minutes of the movie where they get together and kiss over those stupid candles. Seems pretty out of left field to me.

C+

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

1) Had a spooky beginning. The movies where the little girls get haunted by shenanigans that ultimately turn out true are always scary (see The Amityville Horror or Insidious).

2) The stupid part of the movie was when the little creatures come out. I mean, it's not like there's some madman in the basement, or some ghost that has haunted this place. It's just like these little miniature rabbits that pop out and talk to her. And was the ringleader of critters really named Lord Blackwood?

3) This really is a lesson to sleep with the TV on. Whenever I get creeped out that there's some noise in the house somewhere I just turn up the TV. That would totally solve the whole problem with the little critters whispering to her at night.

4) Kind of reminds me of the evil toys in Toy Story 3. They come out at night, are super evil, and that're out to get anyone that comes close to their territory. Maybe that'll explain this movie's rating lol.

C

Straw Dogs (2011)

Wgbw, quick entry before a big saturday night lol

1) It had a good setup. Guy and chick move back to her hometown so they can build this house and he can get some quiet time to work. I don't really get why you're gonna move to a football town that's not in Texas, but whatever.

2) It was kind of fucked up too. I don't like rape scenes in movies and this one wasn't any different.

3) The end seemed a lot like the tight movie Fear. At the end they are just stuck trying to keep this ex-boyfriend and a group of his friends out of the house. They even kill the pet before going in. Seemed like an identical ending almost. The only difference is in this one the guys head gets trapped in a bear trap. Pretty jitsu.

4) I think the whole point of the movie is that a strong police/judicial system is important to preventing rural southern communities from going bonanza on each other lol.

C

The Notebook

1) I know this will surprise my fans, but I am really up and down on this movie. Obvi I think it has one of the top 3 movie scenes in motion picture history (see my post here). It's tight that this scene is the cover for the movie poster too.

2) I'm not crazy about the ending-ending. I mean, I'm all happy that they fall in love after all those years and all that jazz. I even get how it's sad that she can't remember him and stuff all those years later. But how realistic is it that they go cuddle and die together? And what kind of security is that at the old folks home?

3) Anybody realize that Allie's dad in this movie is that evil defense attorney off of Law and Order SVU? I could never look at him the same after this movie lol.

4) Something that boosts the movie for me is the time that they won an MTV award for best kiss. Don't get it twisted, MTV awards are still pretty goofy and all, but it was tight. I've included it for your viewing pleasure.

I mean, I used to have a poster of this movie,

A-

Dexter Season 6

Wgbw, sorry for the delays, work has been busy lately

1) I know I have a bad taste in movies and stuff, but I thought it was pretty tight. Everyone I've talked to that's watched the show before says it blows now. But I've only seen seasons 5 and 6 so I don't actually know if it was better than it is now lol.

2) That being said I thought it wasn't as good as Season 5. This is probably due to my love for Julia Stiles more so than anything (see The Omen and Down to You). Shaking my head at them having her leave the show after that season though.

3) Some jitsu along the way. I have no idea why they thought that having his sister want to make love to him was a good twist. I dunno how that would actually go about in the next season and just sounds like a bad idea. But the ending where she sees him go to town on that guy was crazy good.

4) Something not really specific to this season, but that's hard to overlook, is the opening. Despite my love for horror movies, all the blood and bloodesque stuff at the beginning always gives me the willies.

Fairly solid,

B

Failure to Launch

1) Eh it was okay. Matthew McConaughhey is pretty good in most RomComs (see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) but he was below average in this one. Maybe it's the combination of him and Sarah Jessica Parker (I have a hit or miss relationship with Sex and the City) but there was just something missing.

2) The whole plot is kind of ridiculous.I get that Hitch is kind of the same deal but it's still pretty unbelievable that you could just be a professional girlfriend.

3) The endings kind of ho-hum too. I mean, they tie him up and make him talk to her. What if he really didn't want to be with her? You'd want to sydh at your friends for making you sit in a room with an ex that you didn't want anything to do with lol.

4) The whole side story with Kit and that one dude is pretty distracting too. They should've just honed in on the original (mediocre) plot.

I don't know why I own this,

C-

Wind Chill

1) The movie was pretty tight for the first like 45 minutes of it. These 2 college kids carpool back home and get stuck in the middle of nowhere during the trip. Good plot stuff.

2) I'm unsure why he took the scenic detour. If this chick next to you in the car just complaining the whole time it doesn't make much sense to prolong the trip with her by cutting through the boonies. Maybe it's just because I'm not fond of long car rides but I would've told her she could hitchhike if she kept complaining that much.

3) I don't really get the whole ghost thing. It's like some people died in that same location a long time ago so they just keep coming back? This seemed like a bad episode of that old Nickelodeon show Are You Afraid of the Dark.

Pretty ho hum,

C

Cyberbully

What's good blog world. Before we get to the review I had just a few random thoughts. 2011 was obvi better than 2010 which was better than 2009. It was no 2007 but you already knew. I'm sure 2012 will be bigger than ever. December 2011 was the best month of the blog to date so we'll try to keep it going strong in the new year. Without further ado,

1) Me and Scottles went back to the lifetimesque movies for this gem. The story is pretty much this girl that gets on a facebook look alike and then gets it hacked by her brother and best friend. Then all these comments cause her to try and TKO herself.

2) Maybe this is more dramatic for a teenager, but I can't imagine myself getting too riled up about what happens on twitter/facebook. Maybe 15 year old AJ wouldve but I can't see it here.

3) The end of the movie got kind of long. I get they need to resolve her sadness but they could've sped it up a bit.

4) The broader question this movie should have asked was this: why didn't she just delete facebook and get on twitter. Twitter > facebook.

It was no The Boy She Met Online,

D+