Suspiria

1) I figured it was time to review Suspiria as it pops up on almost every top 10 horror films list.

2) I don't really get the infatuation with all of tha inside organs and flesh. I mean that one chick gets all of her ish cut open, then tha dog is going to town on that one guy's business. Pretty gross.

3) Also, some of it doesn't make much sense. Like the time the Tom Cruise look alike shows up outside that Lincoln Memorial look a like and gets mauled by that ugly looking Hutchy. The part about the doctor telling her to drink wine to built up her immune system is pretty tight tho. Dr. Buffalo approves lol.

4) Overall tho it was pretty spooky: it had that crazy Exorcist type music, was set in a foreign country (which makes uncle buff homesick and pretty spooked out), and had creepy ish popping out of rando spaces.

5) But I have to throw tha challenge flag in on tha ending of it. I mean- so it's a school ran by some witch? And tha witch dies just by getting stabbed in tha throat? Really for how overall scary and engaging tha movie is, this ill-informed short-sighted explanation was a real injustice.

Pretty solid tho,

B+

Freaks

1) I know this is considered a "classic", but the main reason I wanted to review it is Meadow's boyfriend in Season 3 of tha Sopranos says it's supposed to be an all time great horror movie. Unfortunately (and despite the 1 hour length of it), this movie is pretty boring. The only other carnival -esque horror movie that I am terribly familiar with is tha hit movie The Funhouse, which is running laps around this ish.

2) I mean, this isn't really a movie that is scary in terms of some rando members of the public being taken out at a circus. This is just some sideshow people picking on some turd people that work in other departments. How is anyone supposed to be spooked by that?

3) And how hard would it be to make this movie scary? As I'm sure some of you long time followers will remember- me, doggles, milhouse, and NPJ went to a haunted house one time our freshman year of college and some Darth Vader lookalike chased me out of tha haunted house for like 3 blocks through downtown KCMO. How hard would it have been for them to hone in on some rando civilian?

4) It befuddles me that this movie was so graphic and scary that it was banned and restricted in a bunch of places. Nothing to write home about here,

D

Sleepy Hollow

1) Tha weather is pretty tight during tha movie. I always wish Halloween had super creepy fog outside lol.

2) Two huge initial barriers that this movie didn't overcome. First it had Johnny Depp in it. For you long time fans you know he gives me tha willies. And as I mentioned before, these movies set back in tha day are pretty boring.

3) There were some other pretty stupid parts. Like, what is up with tha hole in tha tree that tha dude keeps all of the heads and jumps into at tha end of tha movie? And why is tha dude afraid of spiders? I mean there's some headless dude decapitating people? Aren't spiders tha least of your concern?

4) And tha ending is pretty bad. So tha guy bites off tha one girls face, jumps through tha tree, then it is peacefully snowing everywhere? SMH.

C-

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

1) I think the connections here between this and tha rest of the Paranormal movies is pretty difficult to grasp, even for a local expert like Uncle Buffalo.

2) Tha movie is hinted to at tha end of Paranormal Activity 4 with tha newspaper clippings they see near tha end of tha movie. I think the general gist is that all of tha crazy witch chicks out of Paranormal Activity 3 are the ones who come to "mark" (read: alan) these kids to get possessed and ultimately TKO'd by demons.

3) I think to get to that point you have to have time travel, which you can see when he runs through tha place in tha 3rd movie and somehow ends up back with tha girls from tha original Paranormal Activity. I've said before that time travel in horror movies is pretty jitsu, but it may make a little sense here since it could set up tha ability for future PN movies to come out without having to pay heed to any continuity in tha franchise.

4) All that being said it was pretty stupid. I think tha whole point of all these movies was to spook the hell out of you while it was all quiet by having something random jump out of nowhere. Almost all of this movie is trying to explain loose ends, which I guess is good if someone is paying super close attention. But I think the whole point of these movies is for people with ADD to be able to go and be scared without having to figure out a story line.

C-

Eraserhead

I don't even know where to begin.

1) So I tuned into this one because it is in the Criterion Collection. Now it makes me think that this is just a bunch of hipster movies that all tha cool kids think are really important and metaphysical (lol).

2) The first ten minutes is literally just flashing to this dude laying with his mouth open and some creature swimming around back to this deformed guy looking out the window. If you have to re-read that sentence to understand it all you are not alone.

3) And what was the plot? So he goes and gets convinced that he is tha father of his ladyfriend's mom's kid? And then the kid is actually some deformed creature who he starts having nightmares about and then starts TKO'ing tha thing? It doesn't make any sense. 

4) The loud, incessant, and irrelevant music really reminded me of tha turd movie Eyes Wide Shut. There's another movie that rivaled this one in the bad movies hall of fame. 

 How this got to the criterion collection is beyond comprehension.

F

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1920)

1) So I'm tuning into one of these "Classic" movies. For you new blog fans, these are older horror movies that sort of set tha foundation for tha horror genre. Despite my general disdain for old crappy movies, most of them that I have reviewed have decent grades. Not here.

2) Initially, I'm confused that there is no dialogue.  I'm LITERALLY rewinding it trying to figure out what is going on. Then it hits me: there is no dialogue. Oh great, another movie with subtitles. I fucking love these.....not.

3) I know I've been on my soapbox before, but back in the day, couldn't people just go check out picture books from the library? Or read comic strips? Literally this has to be disheartening for everyone involved: I mean, the actors are acting but having to pause so some dumbass on a typewriter can flash on the screen what they are thinking.

4) Besides all of that, the story doesn't make that much sense. If you think every person has an evil counterpart, why would you drink tha kool-aid in tha first place? Maybe if everyone had a muscular counterpart or something, but this is just non-sensical.

At least it had some good quotes. Oh wait no it didn't. smh

D

Red Dragon

1) Probably my favorite out of tha other two main Hannibal movies. Obvi it's the prequel to Silence of the Lambs and it's pretty tight when they show how Hannibal got caught and where they lead into Clarice meeting with him.

2) The movie had top notch suspense i.e. tha part where he doesn't actually shoot himself and Edward Norton gets that phone call that the Toothfairy is coming after his family. Really some top 10 ish. And it was spooky on top of that. The scenes where the family's eyes have all been taken out and pretty cray.

3) The whole part where Phillip Seymour Hoffman had to play a victim wasn't terribly fitting and seemed out of funk with tha rest of tha movie tho.

4) I remember tha debate camp got in trouble back in tha day after someone played this movie at movie night when it obvi wasn't pg-13 material lol.

Not much to complain about,

A-

Saw II

1) Pretty cray that I haven't reviewed almost any of tha Saw sequels. I mean, the first few of them have pretty good twists, but at the end of tha day, they are all pretty hard to review because the reviews would pretty much look the same.

2) For example-  it's always super tight when he says I WANT TO PLAY A GAME and ALL YOUR LIFE. But again (as I said I think for tha 3rd time on tha blog), I also just think these are tight when me and @enronnie yell them at each other.

3) This one was pretty good since Jigsaw was actually still alive in tha movie and wasn't having to haunt everyone from tha grave. It was also one that had good connections- I don't think anyone really saw that tha Amanda chick was going to want to play a game twice to set up that detective.

4) Speaking of freaky- every time I have to get my blood drawn I remember that scene where the chick is forced to dive into the needle pit and it gives me the willies just thinking about it.

Pretty solid for a sequel,

B

Finder's Keepers

1) This one was obvi appealing since it dealt with the one horror genre that scares the bejesus out of me: dolls. In fact, after sitting on it for a few weeks, I'm convinced that tha hit movie Annabelle is one of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen.

2) Unfortunately, this movie was pretty terrible. For those who can't tell by the budge picture, this was a SyFy original lol. You can't even really find a google image of a picture of tha movie.

3) In fact, this was so bad that I'm not even sure of why the doll was possessed, who it was possessed by, or how it managed to kill people. In all the scenes where someone gets TKO'd, you find them dead but it's a totally mystery how this 11 inch doll managed to pull it off. The beginning of the movie insinuates that the doll possesses the kid, and then the kid wrecks havoc but they jump ship off that idea 10 minutes into the movie.

4) None of it makes any sense. So somehow the doll and the little girl are voodoo doll connected? But taking out the doll's eyes is okay because somehow the girl's eyes are insulated from all of this?
And the ending makes even less sense. Somehow the guy who was originally possessed by the doll escapes and is now running around smiling? Who cares.

I guess it was better than some hipster movie,

D

The Craft

1) I noticed I don't have too many movies re: witches so I've been trying to go ham on some more of them lately.

2) Really a pretty top notch movie, especially in tha witch genre. Outcast girl moves to a new school, has witch powers, and connects with other witch classmates. Obvi one of them gets carried away with it and it becomes and internal good vs. evil witch battle. Also, I've obvi always been a fan of the college/teen based thrillers, so this was right up my alley.

3) The only drawback horror-wise was that all the snakes, bugs, rats, etc. gave me the willies and seemed pretty unnecessary to tha rest of the plot.

4) It had a pretty all-star 90s cast. Although to be fair, I was only paying half attention and really thought Alicia Silverstone played the lead character lol. Also, Bonnie, Ross's girlfriend from Season 3 of tha hit tv show Friends made an appearance.

Pretty good stuff,

B+

Final Destination

Alright BW, time 2 get caught up.

1) This was one of those movies that was really good back in the day (circa 8th grade-early high school). And now, looking back, it's like that Backstreet Boys album you bought: present-you just SYDH.

2) It has a pretty good (or mediocre) plot idea. Fate holds a certain future for you, if you skip the chosen path, then it has to come back to get you. I guess it leaves me confused though. I mean, what real interest does fate have in getting these 5 run-of-the-mill high school kids? They all seem pretty ho-hum and un-noteworthy.

3) A lot of the deaths were pretty SMH. The scenes where that guy gets schwangled in the shower and the car locking that guy in aren't gonna win awards anytime soon.

4) It was tight that Stifler was in it. Except that they decapitated him smh.

C-

Annabelle

1) Bow howdy what a scary movie. From all of tha scenes where the devil just jumped out at you Mama-style, to tha scenes involving the crazy Annabelle woman running and screaming, it was super terrifying. Tha teenagers in tha theaters kept looking at me like I was a weenie lol.

2) It was odd that tha doll didn't actually ever move on screen (except for that one really scary ass part when it stood up and you saw tha demon figure behind it.) Maybe that made it extra spooky since, unlike Chucky, they didn't have a chance to make him talk and say something goofy, or make him move around all jitsu like.

3) And tha story was really well put together. It starts off with tha same initial scene involving Annabelle from The Conjuring. Then they do a flashback from a year earlier to detail how tha doll got in tha case in tha Conjuring. And at tha end they show tha old lady buying tha nurses tha doll.

4) It was odd why tha people in tha movie ever thought buying this spooky ass doll was ever a good idea. I mean, it looks creepy as fuck and it is ginormous so you know it could be pretty cray.

Top notch stuff. As you can see from all tha tags on it, it had tha whole 9 yards of a good scary movie.

A

Leprechaun: Origins

TRICK R TREAT TWEET WORLD. Tha second best day of tha year so gonna gii on tha blog.

1) This movie wasn't very good. Well neither was tha first one. Or tha second one. So I guess maybe this wasn't a huge surprise lol. I think my hope was that it would be like the new Chucky movie that was supposed to return to its much scarier original roots.

2) It did have like a few (or one) scary scenes. Like that part at the beginning when they're running through tha field and tha guy who you originally mistake for a leprechaun is just staring at them. I always used to tell @buns0n how it creeped me out when strangers were just standing around staring at you spookily (sp?).

3) Unfortunately, it quickly delved into a much worse version of Jeepers Creepers. I mean, some mysterious thing is running amok when all of a sudden you realize it's just some deformed animal thing that has really poor vision. And without all tha crazy town people it wouldn't even have a chance of TKOing anyone.  

4) Even tha half-mangled attempts at linking tha movie to a leprechaun suck. So there's gold and they are in Ireland? SMH.

The scariest part about this movie is that it is selling for 35 dollars on Amazon lol.

HAPPY OCTOBER

C

Frozen

1) Smh. Animated movies suck lol (except for Beavis and Butthead obvi). And Disney movies suck (except for tha Mighty Ducks obvi) so you can put two and two together and figure out how this ends.

2) As some of you long time blog fans will note, sometimes Uncle Buffalo gets roped into watching these jitsu movies with a new lady friend (see: Les Miserables, Airplane, Toy Story 3). Unfortunately, this movie was just like all the other movies I got roped into watching: pretty horrible.

3) First of all winter blows. Nothing good has ever come from Winter. Even this goofy movie poster mentions Thanksgiving which sucks. And the story doesn't make any sense. Her sister can magically shoot ice out of her hand, gets carried away and turns the whole town to ice, and then they have to unfreeze it? I mean really, who came up with that stupid story line? Seems like Elsa is just a junior varsity version of Carrie. And what was up with the timing of the movie? It took me like 15 minutes to realize that we had fast forwarded in time to when the sisters were grown up.

4) The one tight part was the line where she was like "guys like crazy right?" LOL

Wish you could freeze this movie and drop it down a mine shaft lol,

D

Update

Sorry tw I've been busy putting in tha work elsewhere l8ly. I should be back this weekend with some new posts <3 <3

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Before I get started TW, I know what you're thinking: man this movie sucks Buff. Why on earth would you review it? Well, I don't really have a great answer. I was board (sp?) and thought the books were pretty good lol.

1) Some of tha reviews I read said this was one of the worst movies of the year, and after watching it I'd have to agree.

2) It had some pretty good stars for being such a turd of a movie. I've been really into the Good Wife lately. One of the hit stars off that shows plays Tucker Max. It might have been before he actually got famous/good lol. There were some pretty big guest appearances by the main dude in Swimfan. Tha other main guy was in tha Break Up and She's Out of My League so that was at least mildly entertaining.

3) The whole movie was so bad I don't even know how to pick out specific parts that were worse than tha others. There's a scene where he interrupts his best friends wedding to talk about how much he's grown up. Then he says he got the couple a surprise and makes tha whole wedding go outside only to discover that he has set up one of those dumb inflatable moonwalk things. And that's how the movie ends. What a dumb way to go. Now don't get me wrong, I heard tha Tinz got one for a party when he was an undergrad, and tha Tinz is tight. But for a wedding? I'd walk out and be like dude, you made my 89 year old grandma come all the way outside for this dumb carnival ride that you rented? smh.

4) You think if I only blogged once a month I'd pick out something good lol,

F

Devil's Due

***Editor's note: this isn't a buff blog post although it is pretty top notch. I've edited tha external links in it but it is otherwise in true @cbear fashion***

**Editor's note 2: I realize the whole post looks goofy. I don't know how that happened. I assume it had something to do with the copying and pasting but I can't figure it out lol.***

Get excited blog world, @cbear's here to guest review the made for TV (not really, but it should have been) movie Devil's Due. Tbh Buff and I had high hopes given we thought it had a 32% on Rotten Tomatoes, which really isn't that bad. Turns out Buff read it wrong and it actually only has 18%, not surprising.  

1) Like many recent cinematic successes (Paranormal Activity 1, Paranormal Activity 2, Paranormal Activity 3, Paranormal Activity 4) this movie was shot in the home video footage style. That was cool but the main dude (a husband documenting his marriage) can't hold a video camera stable to save his fucking life. So I was on the verge of vomiting the whole time and in turn missed a fair amount of the movie. tldr: the cinematography fucking blew. 

2) As a recent Friday Night Lights fan I was psyched to see Matt Saracen was the husband. And I was not so psyched to see this article hit the nail on the head about the FNL curse, none of the actors can make good movies.

3) One of the biggest problems I had with the movie was I was constantly asking questions like "Are those people from the Dominican Republic?", "Did she already have the baby?", "I thought the husband died?", "Are those suppose to be zombies?" I wasn't the only one, even DB Ph. D. couldn't figure it out. 

4) Ya know what's weird? In Paranormal Activity when furniture flies around on its own I fucking freaked out but in this movie I was just like "what is happening? I need to go vomit." They didn't really re-invent the wheel I guess.

In AJ's words "I was so bored I just picked my nose and wiped it on Alan's jeans" which honestly isn't that unusual. But trust me, this isn't one of those ah well why not watch a low rated horror movie because it has some serious DA's like nausea and brain damage. 

Man I really wish we would have chosen All Cheerleaders Die instead. 

D-

Moonrise Kingdom

Sorry for the shitty blog post tonight tw. Had to gii on one b4 tha month of April passed lol.

I saw this *gem* of a movie in 2012. I'm no literary critic, but this movie sucks.

1) First off, why is the whole fucking movie shot in this weird color? It's like a 1970s instagram picture but worse. It literally gives you a headache looking at it.

2) And don't get me started about the inappropriateness of the two main characters love relationship. I mean for crying out loud I hope this was rated R. And where is social services at during this movie? And when they get there, why don't they start putting in tha work?

3) The whole thing is so ridiculous. Two parents speaking through megaphones, a boy scout troop who embarks to go hunt this kid down, and the cop guy fathering this runaway n00b so he can have illegal relations with this runaway chick. Really, re-read that last sentence and tell me who thought this was a great idea.

4) Finally, and for the record, Wes Anderson has never had a good movie, and you can see why from this mediocre turd. Alan made me watch that stupid Rushmore movie (surprised that isn't already on tha jitsu). I don't recognize anything else he's written and it sounds like his new movie about a hotel sounds boring as nuts.

It's unfathomable this was nominated for even a Golden Globe lol

D-

The Voice Season 6

BW, I know I always apologize about tha delays. Besides putting in tha work lately, I've been in a fit of depression (re: Jayhawks).

My other fit of depression is what has triggered this blog post about THA VOICE. Now I know what you're thinking: "Buff, tha horror movies you review are bad enough... why are you now reviewing tha voice?" Well let me tell you bw,

1) For you blog fans that have never seen tha show, tha gist of it is that these people go audition to be on a team of one of tha 4 coaches and after they are on a coaches team, they are coached until someone is crowned tha best singer.

2) So I'm sitting around watching the Voice (because other Monday night TV blows) and all of a sudden they show PAULA DEANDA auditioning for tha voice. Now for you n00bs that don't know who Paula DeAnda is, shame on you. She had tha hit 2006 hit single WALK AWAY. She had another music video that was featuring Bow Wow. And not to embarrass my other friend Buff, but just so you all get an idea of how big she was. Buff's music tracker website shows that she is the 5th most played artist OF ALL TIME. Step back and think about that. Out of all Buff's music, she's tha 5th most played artist.

3) She pops on tv and I'm like amen- the whole season will just be her lighting it up. Then flash forward to tha first week of battles and she's cut. I mean, WTF? Someone with a top 20 Billboard single is cut. I mean, even I could make it through tha first round of cuts. So my Monday and Tuesday night tv schedule has been all screwed up. Combine that with tha Good Wife killing off Will (topic for a whole new post), and it's been pretty miserable tv wise lol.

Anywho, I'll get back to tha horror reviews soon :(

C-

You're Next

Me and @alan watched this and it was kind of a turd.

1) Most home invasion movies are pretty scary and this one had a pretty spooky plot. I mean, family reunions are already draining when you have to drive somewhere and stay the night. Add a bunch of stalker people with animal masks and it's pretty scary.

2) It reminded me of Sorority Row in that the killer is actually the main chick's boyfriend who tries to convince her it was a good idea all along lol. Unfortunately it was super predictable and I ruined it for Alan not too far into tha movie.

3) The main dude also plays that crazy guy who randomly shoots that girl in The House of the Devil. That really should've been a top 10 scariest movie scene.

4) And unfortunately it reminded me of Home Alone (if Home Alone was a rated R movie about people coming to kill Macaulay Culkin). I mean, there's all these booby traps set up inside and outside of the house. Like the one that had barbed wire outside the house so when they left they'd run into it. I mean, a 12 year old could have done that. And what if the guy just looked before he started running aimlessly into the abyss?

Too predictable and got boring in the middle of it,

C-

Dallas Buyers Club

1) Eh it was actually okay. Tha (not too over condensed) story line is that a homophobic guy gets HIV, gets ostracized by his friends, eventually turns to foreign medicine to get better, and then (spoiler alert) eventually dies at tha end.

2) That being said, it was long. Like 2 hours long. And we went and saw it late Friday night so I got real board (sp?) in tha middle of it. Like there's a point in tha movie when he realizes he may not hate gay people that much, hates tha FDA, and wants to keep selling drugs to all these people. At that point, I'm like, let's go ahead and speed tha rest of this along because I think we all know where it's going. But then they just spend like 30 minutes on repeat showing him talking shit on tha FDA and getting more overseas drugs.

3) Actually tha movie had one of those countdowns like in tha movie Seven.  They tell him he has thirty days to live then the scenes start out like "day 1", "day 28", etc. At tha end of the movie it's like "day 2853" (get it- to show how long he has gone despite the medical consensus that he wouldn't). The problem was at that point I felt like it was in real time and we had been sitting in tha theater that long lol.

4) Man, Matthew McConaughey had to lose a wreck of weight for tha movie and it looked like he just lost all muscle mass. I'll bet that was a total pain in the ass and will be super hard to rebuild lol.

Besides how long it was, it was pretty good.

B-

Hannibal

1) After tha recent review in Carrie, it reminded me I never revisited a bunch of that Hannibal movies.

2) It's a lot slower than a lot of tha other movies. This one just has the one European guy trying to take down Hannibal on his own for like an hour and forty five minutes. I mean, I understand the guy's rationale that Hannibal is getting a little older and may have lost some of his touch. But who would really try to take down someone on the FBI's 10 most wanted list when you're no MacGyver yourself.

3) FWIW all tha twists in tha movie were pretty crazy. Like at tha end of it, when *spoiler alert* Hannibal chops off his own hand instead of messing up Starling. He must really have a thing for her to chop off his own hand even though she is constantly trying to arrest him lol.

4) It's also Ray Liotta's best horror movie since tha hit movie Identity.

5) Tha initial shooting that goes wrong is in Waco, Texas. On that note it is kind of stupid that half the movie takes place in Europe, but also kind of tight that it comes home to rural America.

B

Carrie (2013)

Sorry for the delays bw. That jitsu Nov/Dec/January combo is almost over lol.

1) I reviewed tha original movie  back in tha day. It's still got that same overwhelming gross scene at tha beginning lol. Kind of hard to really recover from that.

2) Besides that it was really pretty solid. The girl from Kick-Ass was actually a lot better than I anticipated she would be. I guess I just figured she'd look like she was 5 and wouldn't be able to pull off tha creepy Carrie bit but she was solid. That really good looking chick from tha 70s wasn't magically re-casted it which was expected but also unfortuante lol.

3) The special effects were also pretty sub-par for a movie that was remade. Like that part where the mean chick's head flies through the car or whenever glass was shattering generally. I dunno if that was supposed to indicate that Carrie was controlling it or if it was just poor special effects lol.

4) On a side note, I don't really get tha importance that people attach to prom in these movies. Having been a prom king myself, I can tell you it's actually not that cool lol.

Besides all of my complaining, it was actually really good

A-