Eastbound and Down Season 3

1) Obvi this review is just after the first 2 eps, so don't get your hopes up that I have some inside pass to see all the rest of the good shit this season holds.

2) That being said it's been kinda below average for KP so far. Don't get it twisted, this show is still light years ahead of almost anything else on tv so far, but compared to season 1 & 2 it's been lagging.

3) I'm obvi glad they brought back April (for obvi reasons), but I dunno if I'm sold on Jason Sodukawhateverhisnameis yet. Hopefully during these next few eps April pops back up.

4) Big shout out to Kenny calling the hit show Friends as being part of the Criterion Collection. #yak

Pretty good stuff so far, I'll hold off grading it till it finishes up,

FOE

Lover's Lane

1) Pretty ho-hum. I'm all in the favor of the holiday-genre horror movies and what not, but these straight to dvd movies that no one has ever heard of are turds.

2) I don't really get it. It's like these guys come up and try to make it rain on these high school kids trying to make love in the car. I'm all for PG-13 stuff and all, but there's got to be better fish to fry. And what's up with his Captain Hook hand?

3) The characters can't seem to put 2 and 2 together either. You think they'd realize that maybe they don't need to go to the makeout spot to gii if you're gonna get TKO'd. I mean, I get that its probably hard to find a place to get down in high school, but don't do it at some spot that kids keep getting killed at.

4) To be honest, I quit paying attention before the end of the movie so I don't really remember what happened, but I won't put myself through that again to figure it out lol.

It was still a horror movie,

D

The Best of the (Hypothetical) Oscars

Wgbw, sorry for the delays. Been busy lately lol.

Every year I think the OSCARS are out to lunch about what actually should have gone down. There's way too many awards to go through with my limited attention span, but here are some historical injustices committed by the academy award people.

1) Best Actor in 2004

Who should've gotten it: Will Smith in the hit movie Bad Boys 2. Need I say more? Not only is this movie super tight, but Will Smith just makes it rain.

Who actually got it: Sean Penn in Mystic River. I've actually never seen this movie, nor do I care to, but I can't imagine Sean Penn was better than Will Smith. The last real tight thing Sean Penn was in was the few Friends eps where he's Ursela's fiance, but even that wasn't close to anything Will Smithesque.

Best Costume Design in 2003

Who should've gotten it: 8 Mile. I hate all the goofy artsy/fartsy stuff in movies, but this one was (obvi) well done. At the end of the movie he's the only one wearing white which highlights his outside appearance to the community. And he keeps repping the hoodie which I'm a big fan of lol.

Who actually got it: one of the jitsu lord of the rings movies. I don't understand why this movie won, I mean, the whole movie is a giant costume. Everyone had fake ears and stuff and generally looked ridiculous. I guess thats more of a problem with the category as a whole, I don't know why they have to have fashion awards for movies smh.

Best animated short file in 1997

Who should've gotten it: Beavis and Butthead Do America. I don't think there's any debate here. This is obviously the greatest animated movie ever.

Who actually got it: Geri's Game. I had never even heard of this movie. It seems like the AA are just trying to fill up nominees instead of actually seeing if the movie was good or not. I really think it'd be okay for them to just be honest and admit that no movie should have even been nominated besides B&B.

Some other random pet peeves. I don't get a whole bunch of these awards.

Best film editing. How would they even know how good a film was edited? Did the watch all the uncut footage and determine that these ones were edited the best? Do they watch the deleted scenes and determine that only the best scenes were included? It doesn't make any sense.

Best score. This is the academy awards not the grammys lol.

Best original screenplay. Is this just who wrote the best movie? I don't really get it.

I won't be tuning in tonight lol.

Valentine

1) The first like 20 minutes of this movie was really good. It's like it sets up some revengeful guy, Katherine Heigl was hanging out, just generally good stuff all around.

2) The ending was pretty creative too; you'd never guess that the alcoholic could pull off all those crazy kills and the nose bleed thing was a pretty good signature move.

3) It doesn't make too much sense why he holds a grudge for so long. I mean, it's just some girls that didn't want to dance with you in junior high- it's not really the end of the world. You think he'd be more mad at the dudes that jumped him at least.

4) Way too much of the movie was focused on these chicks relationship troubles. I get that the movie is called Valentine, but even then none of it was really relevant to the movie.

Mediocre holiday movie,

C

Vacancy

1) I re-watched this for the first time since 2007. Back in the day I used to think that this movie was horrible. After 5 years of maturing, it's actually not bad lol.

2) Don't get it twisted, there are some obvious holes in the plot of the movie. I mean, those blue guys look like they hopped right off that Intel commercial and into this hotel. You could probably just distract them by playing that commercial over and over again.

3) If you were stranded in the middle of nowhere, and some burglar dressed in all black jumped out, why would you let him screw around with your car? Smh. (FWIW the guy was actually one of Reese Witherspoons friends from Sweet Home Alabama.

4) They probably should get a divorce lol, I mean, they argue about if it was a raccoon or a squirrel that they dodged in the road. Who argues about that?

It's hard to take the guy from Old School too seriously, but it was good,

B+

Blue Valentine

Oh dear lord blog world,

1) Talk about some depressing stuff. I always get into this debate with people about RomCom endings. Theres people who think that movies with realistic endings where the people break up are good because they reflect real life (i.e. The Breakup), and theres esteemed movie critics like myself that aren't so pessimistic about the world. I mean, does anyone really enjoy sad things in life? So why on God's green earth would someone be pumped about experiencing it again in a movie lol?

2) And man oh man was this depressing. There's the part where he goes to fight with her at her work, the part where they get in a huge fight in the middle of making love, then Ryan Gosling gets the shit beaten out of him by some dude, and then there's this depressing scene where she starts to get an abortion. I'm not getting political or anything, but just seeing her cry and agonize was :(

3) Whenever I grade movies, I tend to ask myself how often I would watch it again. I can't even begin to fathom how 88% of the 'top critics' on rotten tomatoes could put themselves through this over and over again.

4) I'm know I'm just saying the same thing over and over again, but how would anyone enjoy this? You have the lady friend come over, you sit down and watch this, and then I'm sure you'll both be in a great mood lol. Broken families, drunken fights, and a shitty life, I mean that's how good this movie gets.

5) And how deceiving is the movie poster? "A Love Story"? And them making out? They should've just showed them brawling or something smh.

F

P.S. I Love You

What's good bw, it's almost time for Valentine's Day. Kind of like last year I'll try to floss up some girly movies but I'll throw in a horror related Vday movie too. Anywho,

1) I guess I've never seen a movie that had a plot like this. The guy gets TKO'd at the beginning but has left his lady friend all these preemptive messages to communicate with her after he's gone.

2) Eh, it just kind of dragged on after that. I remember the first time I saw this with an old lady friend, she was just crying the entire movie. I get that it's sad and all but it took awhile for her to go on this "journey".

3) I can't believe no one thought it was creepy. I mean, if someone left me all these messages I think I'd be scared that I was going to get haunted or something.

4) It's pretty solid overall I guess. Phoebe from the hit tv show Friends is in it.

Back in the day I was super excited about this movie and it just didn't live up to the hype,

B-

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

1) I hate Christmas lol. The Christmas music in the movie was pretty jitsu. I kind of wish they would've done a Very Harold & Kumar 3D HALLOWEEN instead. That'd be tight. Maria's dad is even that tight maintenance guy on the new Halloween.

2) It didn't have the really tight girly part to it that Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay had but whatever.

3) All the references to the past movies were tight. So were all the real life references to NPH and Kumar. Good stuff all around.

4) I know I just recently went on a rant about how I didn't like over the top movies but this one was tight. I think maybe the difference is that all of the Harold and Kumar movies have been over the top but are still pretty good. And Kumar's lady friend is a total babe.

If only it wasn't about Christmas,

B

30 Minutes or Less

1) Eh. It was pretty mediocre. Although it was only an hour and 23 minutes it didn't have anything really super tight go down in it.

2) It was funny I guess. I'm a big fan of inappropriate humor and this movie had plenty of it. I obvi also love Kenny Powers so it's hard for a movie to go south that has him in it (except for that awful Up in the Air).

3) Part of thing that drives me up the wall with these kind of movies is that they always have to go over the top and then over it some more. It's not enough that the plot is super ridiculous but then the ending gets even stupider. I mean, they had a flamethrower, a bomb, and a giant fuel tank? And all the stupid twists involving who was going to get who? I get that the movie is supposed to be ridiculous, but this was too much.

4) The part where they are watching one of the Friday the 13th movies was pretty cool. What happens is a little too R-rated for me to write about on the blog but it was pretty funny lol.

5) Maybe it was also mediocre because everytime I see that one guy all I can think of is that jitsu movie the social network lol.

I guess it was still funny,

C

Gothika

1) I know I get confused easily, but this one was a barnburner. I mean, so there's this psychiatrist who sees this little girl in the road one night and swerves out of the way. She wakes up and is in her own psych ward and is informed she murdered her husband. She (obvi) has no recollection of it.

2) Thats when it gets confusing. There's like this ghost running around the psych ward who randomly makes appearances. Somehow the dudes who killed the people can summon the ghost somehow. And the ghost can somehow make her blackout? This ghost doesn't make any sense.

3) And why would they put her back in with her patients? That wouldn't make any sense.

4) I mean, I guess it was a semi-unique plot at the time, and Halle Berry was in it. Overall it was just confusing and didn't make any sense.

Wah-wah,

C-

Takedowns and Falls

1) What a tight documentary. Compared to some of the other documentaries I've reviewed, this one was light years ahead of the rest.

2) Part of it is because wrestling fucking rules. It makes me :( that I didn't register to be a ref again this year lol. It was kind of jitsu how they always showed the matches going out of order to make it seem more dramatic and stuff, but I get that it was made for TV lol.

3) They didn't really focus on the 'coach has cancer' part of the storyline. I think the whole point of the movie was to win the coach a state title before he had to retire or whatever but they really downplayed it. That being said, although I'm not crazy about feel-good movies this one was pretty tight.

4) How tight was that Doug guy? He just talked about how he kept getting into juvi trouble, had ADD, and wanted to fight in the UFC. He made the movie super entertaining.

A-