Suspiria

1) I figured it was time to review Suspiria as it pops up on almost every top 10 horror films list.

2) I don't really get the infatuation with all of tha inside organs and flesh. I mean that one chick gets all of her ish cut open, then tha dog is going to town on that one guy's business. Pretty gross.

3) Also, some of it doesn't make much sense. Like the time the Tom Cruise look alike shows up outside that Lincoln Memorial look a like and gets mauled by that ugly looking Hutchy. The part about the doctor telling her to drink wine to built up her immune system is pretty tight tho. Dr. Buffalo approves lol.

4) Overall tho it was pretty spooky: it had that crazy Exorcist type music, was set in a foreign country (which makes uncle buff homesick and pretty spooked out), and had creepy ish popping out of rando spaces.

5) But I have to throw tha challenge flag in on tha ending of it. I mean- so it's a school ran by some witch? And tha witch dies just by getting stabbed in tha throat? Really for how overall scary and engaging tha movie is, this ill-informed short-sighted explanation was a real injustice.

Pretty solid tho,

B+

Freaks

1) I know this is considered a "classic", but the main reason I wanted to review it is Meadow's boyfriend in Season 3 of tha Sopranos says it's supposed to be an all time great horror movie. Unfortunately (and despite the 1 hour length of it), this movie is pretty boring. The only other carnival -esque horror movie that I am terribly familiar with is tha hit movie The Funhouse, which is running laps around this ish.

2) I mean, this isn't really a movie that is scary in terms of some rando members of the public being taken out at a circus. This is just some sideshow people picking on some turd people that work in other departments. How is anyone supposed to be spooked by that?

3) And how hard would it be to make this movie scary? As I'm sure some of you long time followers will remember- me, doggles, milhouse, and NPJ went to a haunted house one time our freshman year of college and some Darth Vader lookalike chased me out of tha haunted house for like 3 blocks through downtown KCMO. How hard would it have been for them to hone in on some rando civilian?

4) It befuddles me that this movie was so graphic and scary that it was banned and restricted in a bunch of places. Nothing to write home about here,

D

Sleepy Hollow

1) Tha weather is pretty tight during tha movie. I always wish Halloween had super creepy fog outside lol.

2) Two huge initial barriers that this movie didn't overcome. First it had Johnny Depp in it. For you long time fans you know he gives me tha willies. And as I mentioned before, these movies set back in tha day are pretty boring.

3) There were some other pretty stupid parts. Like, what is up with tha hole in tha tree that tha dude keeps all of the heads and jumps into at tha end of tha movie? And why is tha dude afraid of spiders? I mean there's some headless dude decapitating people? Aren't spiders tha least of your concern?

4) And tha ending is pretty bad. So tha guy bites off tha one girls face, jumps through tha tree, then it is peacefully snowing everywhere? SMH.

C-

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

1) I think the connections here between this and tha rest of the Paranormal movies is pretty difficult to grasp, even for a local expert like Uncle Buffalo.

2) Tha movie is hinted to at tha end of Paranormal Activity 4 with tha newspaper clippings they see near tha end of tha movie. I think the general gist is that all of tha crazy witch chicks out of Paranormal Activity 3 are the ones who come to "mark" (read: alan) these kids to get possessed and ultimately TKO'd by demons.

3) I think to get to that point you have to have time travel, which you can see when he runs through tha place in tha 3rd movie and somehow ends up back with tha girls from tha original Paranormal Activity. I've said before that time travel in horror movies is pretty jitsu, but it may make a little sense here since it could set up tha ability for future PN movies to come out without having to pay heed to any continuity in tha franchise.

4) All that being said it was pretty stupid. I think tha whole point of all these movies was to spook the hell out of you while it was all quiet by having something random jump out of nowhere. Almost all of this movie is trying to explain loose ends, which I guess is good if someone is paying super close attention. But I think the whole point of these movies is for people with ADD to be able to go and be scared without having to figure out a story line.

C-

Eraserhead

I don't even know where to begin.

1) So I tuned into this one because it is in the Criterion Collection. Now it makes me think that this is just a bunch of hipster movies that all tha cool kids think are really important and metaphysical (lol).

2) The first ten minutes is literally just flashing to this dude laying with his mouth open and some creature swimming around back to this deformed guy looking out the window. If you have to re-read that sentence to understand it all you are not alone.

3) And what was the plot? So he goes and gets convinced that he is tha father of his ladyfriend's mom's kid? And then the kid is actually some deformed creature who he starts having nightmares about and then starts TKO'ing tha thing? It doesn't make any sense. 

4) The loud, incessant, and irrelevant music really reminded me of tha turd movie Eyes Wide Shut. There's another movie that rivaled this one in the bad movies hall of fame. 

 How this got to the criterion collection is beyond comprehension.

F

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1920)

1) So I'm tuning into one of these "Classic" movies. For you new blog fans, these are older horror movies that sort of set tha foundation for tha horror genre. Despite my general disdain for old crappy movies, most of them that I have reviewed have decent grades. Not here.

2) Initially, I'm confused that there is no dialogue.  I'm LITERALLY rewinding it trying to figure out what is going on. Then it hits me: there is no dialogue. Oh great, another movie with subtitles. I fucking love these.....not.

3) I know I've been on my soapbox before, but back in the day, couldn't people just go check out picture books from the library? Or read comic strips? Literally this has to be disheartening for everyone involved: I mean, the actors are acting but having to pause so some dumbass on a typewriter can flash on the screen what they are thinking.

4) Besides all of that, the story doesn't make that much sense. If you think every person has an evil counterpart, why would you drink tha kool-aid in tha first place? Maybe if everyone had a muscular counterpart or something, but this is just non-sensical.

At least it had some good quotes. Oh wait no it didn't. smh

D

Red Dragon

1) Probably my favorite out of tha other two main Hannibal movies. Obvi it's the prequel to Silence of the Lambs and it's pretty tight when they show how Hannibal got caught and where they lead into Clarice meeting with him.

2) The movie had top notch suspense i.e. tha part where he doesn't actually shoot himself and Edward Norton gets that phone call that the Toothfairy is coming after his family. Really some top 10 ish. And it was spooky on top of that. The scenes where the family's eyes have all been taken out and pretty cray.

3) The whole part where Phillip Seymour Hoffman had to play a victim wasn't terribly fitting and seemed out of funk with tha rest of tha movie tho.

4) I remember tha debate camp got in trouble back in tha day after someone played this movie at movie night when it obvi wasn't pg-13 material lol.

Not much to complain about,

A-

Saw II

1) Pretty cray that I haven't reviewed almost any of tha Saw sequels. I mean, the first few of them have pretty good twists, but at the end of tha day, they are all pretty hard to review because the reviews would pretty much look the same.

2) For example-  it's always super tight when he says I WANT TO PLAY A GAME and ALL YOUR LIFE. But again (as I said I think for tha 3rd time on tha blog), I also just think these are tight when me and @enronnie yell them at each other.

3) This one was pretty good since Jigsaw was actually still alive in tha movie and wasn't having to haunt everyone from tha grave. It was also one that had good connections- I don't think anyone really saw that tha Amanda chick was going to want to play a game twice to set up that detective.

4) Speaking of freaky- every time I have to get my blood drawn I remember that scene where the chick is forced to dive into the needle pit and it gives me the willies just thinking about it.

Pretty solid for a sequel,

B

Finder's Keepers

1) This one was obvi appealing since it dealt with the one horror genre that scares the bejesus out of me: dolls. In fact, after sitting on it for a few weeks, I'm convinced that tha hit movie Annabelle is one of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen.

2) Unfortunately, this movie was pretty terrible. For those who can't tell by the budge picture, this was a SyFy original lol. You can't even really find a google image of a picture of tha movie.

3) In fact, this was so bad that I'm not even sure of why the doll was possessed, who it was possessed by, or how it managed to kill people. In all the scenes where someone gets TKO'd, you find them dead but it's a totally mystery how this 11 inch doll managed to pull it off. The beginning of the movie insinuates that the doll possesses the kid, and then the kid wrecks havoc but they jump ship off that idea 10 minutes into the movie.

4) None of it makes any sense. So somehow the doll and the little girl are voodoo doll connected? But taking out the doll's eyes is okay because somehow the girl's eyes are insulated from all of this?
And the ending makes even less sense. Somehow the guy who was originally possessed by the doll escapes and is now running around smiling? Who cares.

I guess it was better than some hipster movie,

D

The Craft

1) I noticed I don't have too many movies re: witches so I've been trying to go ham on some more of them lately.

2) Really a pretty top notch movie, especially in tha witch genre. Outcast girl moves to a new school, has witch powers, and connects with other witch classmates. Obvi one of them gets carried away with it and it becomes and internal good vs. evil witch battle. Also, I've obvi always been a fan of the college/teen based thrillers, so this was right up my alley.

3) The only drawback horror-wise was that all the snakes, bugs, rats, etc. gave me the willies and seemed pretty unnecessary to tha rest of the plot.

4) It had a pretty all-star 90s cast. Although to be fair, I was only paying half attention and really thought Alicia Silverstone played the lead character lol. Also, Bonnie, Ross's girlfriend from Season 3 of tha hit tv show Friends made an appearance.

Pretty good stuff,

B+

Final Destination

Alright BW, time 2 get caught up.

1) This was one of those movies that was really good back in the day (circa 8th grade-early high school). And now, looking back, it's like that Backstreet Boys album you bought: present-you just SYDH.

2) It has a pretty good (or mediocre) plot idea. Fate holds a certain future for you, if you skip the chosen path, then it has to come back to get you. I guess it leaves me confused though. I mean, what real interest does fate have in getting these 5 run-of-the-mill high school kids? They all seem pretty ho-hum and un-noteworthy.

3) A lot of the deaths were pretty SMH. The scenes where that guy gets schwangled in the shower and the car locking that guy in aren't gonna win awards anytime soon.

4) It was tight that Stifler was in it. Except that they decapitated him smh.

C-

Annabelle

1) Bow howdy what a scary movie. From all of tha scenes where the devil just jumped out at you Mama-style, to tha scenes involving the crazy Annabelle woman running and screaming, it was super terrifying. Tha teenagers in tha theaters kept looking at me like I was a weenie lol.

2) It was odd that tha doll didn't actually ever move on screen (except for that one really scary ass part when it stood up and you saw tha demon figure behind it.) Maybe that made it extra spooky since, unlike Chucky, they didn't have a chance to make him talk and say something goofy, or make him move around all jitsu like.

3) And tha story was really well put together. It starts off with tha same initial scene involving Annabelle from The Conjuring. Then they do a flashback from a year earlier to detail how tha doll got in tha case in tha Conjuring. And at tha end they show tha old lady buying tha nurses tha doll.

4) It was odd why tha people in tha movie ever thought buying this spooky ass doll was ever a good idea. I mean, it looks creepy as fuck and it is ginormous so you know it could be pretty cray.

Top notch stuff. As you can see from all tha tags on it, it had tha whole 9 yards of a good scary movie.

A

Leprechaun: Origins

TRICK R TREAT TWEET WORLD. Tha second best day of tha year so gonna gii on tha blog.

1) This movie wasn't very good. Well neither was tha first one. Or tha second one. So I guess maybe this wasn't a huge surprise lol. I think my hope was that it would be like the new Chucky movie that was supposed to return to its much scarier original roots.

2) It did have like a few (or one) scary scenes. Like that part at the beginning when they're running through tha field and tha guy who you originally mistake for a leprechaun is just staring at them. I always used to tell @buns0n how it creeped me out when strangers were just standing around staring at you spookily (sp?).

3) Unfortunately, it quickly delved into a much worse version of Jeepers Creepers. I mean, some mysterious thing is running amok when all of a sudden you realize it's just some deformed animal thing that has really poor vision. And without all tha crazy town people it wouldn't even have a chance of TKOing anyone.  

4) Even tha half-mangled attempts at linking tha movie to a leprechaun suck. So there's gold and they are in Ireland? SMH.

The scariest part about this movie is that it is selling for 35 dollars on Amazon lol.

HAPPY OCTOBER

C