The Blob (1958)

1) Now I know what most of you are thinking: Where have I heard of this movie before? If you answered "I saw it on the hit TV show Friends" then you'd be correct. You see it in tha video store on the One Where Monica and Richard are Just Friends (Season 4 obvi).

2) That being said, hats off to Buff for reviewing these classic movies from tha 50s that are part of tha Criterion Collection.

3) I actually thought it was pretty solid. It's like these people start seeing some blob/virus thing take over some dude and then it just grows and grows and keeps on consuming people. The real problem is the bigger it gets, the less scary it actually is. I mean, if you're driving down tha rode and see a gigantic pulsating red blob just inhaling everything just turn the fucking car around. Really not rocket science.

4) And did I just miss the boat on why the blob is afraid of tha cold?  Is the end of the movie just them dropping the blob off in some cold place out in tha middle of nowhere? #LOL. Might as well have just thrown it in one of those giant freezers or something.

Not bad for being so old,

C+

Witchboard

1) I was hoping this would have something to do with witches so I could bump that category up but turns out it was just about one of those goofy ouija boards smh.

2) There's a guy named Jim in it and they say his name like 23432 times. The ouija board spells J-I-M. For those of you who aren't familar with JIM, in American Reunion the "don't be a p**** Jim" part is super funny. (For more historical background on my use of the term "Jim's house" see the review of the below average Edward Scissorhands).

3) It was really pretty boring. I mean, the beginning was tight when they were summoning spirits but then it was just some dude from the board trying to wreck havoc the whole time. And how dumb is it to shoot the ouija board? It's like, you've already summoned some spirit out of it. What the hell is shooting it gonna do? 

4) There's a guy who says he is a cop in the "bomb squad and truancy division." What a law enforcement combo.

Even looking at the movie poster I dunno why I thought this would be good,

D

After.Life

1) I figured this had to be good. Had Christina Ricci from tha hit Adams Family movies, Jason Long from tha hit movie Drag Me to Hell. I'm not too wild about Liam Neeson but whatever. But unfortunately it was not very good. It took me all of two minutes to figure out that Liam is just some guy who has this morbid obsession of pretending that people are dead. I almost fell asleep just trying to blog about this.

2) It was also a long, drawn out emo movie. Lots of artistic shots that looked like they were off of instagram of stuff that doesn't matter. Lot's of diddle-daddling around the stupid funeral home for no reason. Lot's of slow music that just was on loop for almost two hours.

3) Believe it or not, I got bored during the movie. Actually there was this long stretch of the movie where I got so bored that I ate a whole 14 oz bag of Starburst jelly beans and now there are jelly beans all under the covers of my bread smh.

4) And to top it off, the whole movie concerns my least favorite subject of all time: eternity. In fact, eternity freaks me out so much that I will probably never blog about it because thinking about it for too long gives me the fucking willies.

I'd bury this movie alive lol,

D

The Wolf Man (1941)

1) Buff went back to 1941 tonight bw. I'm obvi not wild about these old movies, but the one thing about them that does appeal to me is that they are well under my 90 minute attention span. (Also, Hutchy, our dog, really was tuning into the hairy wolf guy. He kept barking thinking some other dog was in the house lol.)

2) Really a pretty solid movie for it being so old. It's a pretty simple story. Guy roles into town, tries to court this lady, gets bit by a werewolf, and then becomes one. Now he knows he's a werewolf and is trying to leave before making it rain on everyone. It's obvi where An American Werewolf in London got its vibe from.

3) In all reality it probably had to be pretty hard to get bit by the werewolf in the first place. Like in the remakes or in Red Riding Hood, the wolf is actually pretty fast. But here it's just like some giant guy in a gorilla suit stumbling around trying to get you.  I'll bet even Jon laced up in his track suit could escape the guy.

4) Overall it was pretty clutch through and through. Short, to the point, had fog, and explained the basic background requirements associated with werewolves. Definitely a good introductory movie for fans new to tha genre.

B

The Purge

 1) I think it was supposed to have some social message undertones. For example, there's this part at the beginning where the purge starts and they let this dude running around outside into the house. Then this group of upper class n00bs comes and says to give him up or they'll TKO the whole family. Then there's this utilitarian/ethics debate amongst the family where they can't decide whether to give the stranger to the mob or to not do it and all die. DB said there was some social significance to other lines in tha movie but I don't really remember them lol.

2) That was a long #1 point lol.

3) My biggest beef with tha movie is that (putting aside the absurd plot) how woefully unprepared the family is for anything. I mean, even in tha movie Fear they can explain the lackluster security on Reese Witherspoon's character coughing up the code to the house. Here, not only do they
a) let in a total stranger on the worst possible day; they also b) then let him run around the house for 30 minutes without looking for him; c) all of while their teenage daughter is no where to be found; and d) they split up. As I was explaining earlier to DB, why on God's green earth would you divide and conquer around the house to find some total stranger? And even at the end of it, why don't they do something about those crazy neighbors. I mean, THEY JUST SANG THAT CRAZY ANTHEM AROUND YOU WHILE TELLING YOU THEY WERE GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOUR FAMILY. Do you really need a reason to not let them hang out at the dinner table with you?

4)  I don't really know how good a sequel to this could really be. At the end of the day I don't think the family will let anyone into the house again lol.

Ethan Hawke has been pretty mediocre in these B- horror movies so far (see Sinister). I don't know that I'd be lining up outside the movie theater to see him star in another one of these.

Thanks Obama, 

B-

Almost half way there :(

Alright bw, it's almost halfway through October (smdh), but I'm always a glass is half full kind of person (lol).

I have some movies earmarked to review the next 18 days (some way older classics, and some of the new 2013 ones I haven't schwangled yet), but didn't know if tha fans had any (non-bad) suggestions.

Also I usually do some sort of Halloween theme countdown each year (2012 was horror villains, 2011 was stars before they were famous, 2010 was just awesome). Let me know if anyone has any suggestions.

As always, can comment, tweet, or email :)

-buff

The Hole (2009)

1) I know this isn't Academy Award winning material, but the title sounded funny (lol), it was less than 90 minutes long, and that really good looking chick from American Reunion has a 10 second part in it lol.

2) Really reminded me of Disturbia. Screw-up kid has new neighbors, gets a thing for the girl next door, finds a hobby together scoping out some creepy stuff. Also tailed off into a less scary version of the movie IT (which btw I keep forgetting to review).

3) Which is also where the movie went kinda downhill. I mean, they figure out that the only things creeping out of this hole are things that scare you, and if you can just not be afraid of them anymore then you're g2g. Kind of begs the question why the hole isn't constantly opening up to freak out the entire neighborhood.

4) I mean, the big scary monster at the end of the movie is the kid's dad. If the hole really works like this, I hate to see what other "scary monsters" could pop out? I can just see someone's fear of settling down causing a bunch of clingy girls to jump out of there; or a bunch of gun control laws popping out to scare Maker lol.

C-

Friends: the One with the Halloween Party

Bw, as it may or may not surprise you, my favorite month of tha year is October. Now I know everyone gets that I take time off of work to lay around watching scary movies every October. But someone once asked me, "buff, what do you do the other 11 months of the year?" And without hesitation I reply, "fall asleep to the hit tv show Friends."

The one (obvi) very minor drawback to the show is that it only references Halloween a few times in the show and only has 1 episode that is about halloween (I'll bet that poser Maddie can't name tha other few smh lol). That being said, here's the run down:

1) Obvi a really solid episode all tha way around. Mona's in it which is tight. She's the second chick that I wish wouldn't have gotten kicked off tha show (besides Kathy, man was she tight - and speaking of which, anyone get that Chandler's dressed like the character in Kathy's favorite book - start taking notes Maddie).

2) This is also the last major literary work that Sean Penn can be seen in that doesn't actually suck. If you don't believe me you should go check out This Must be the Place.

3) Except for the absence of any scary movies going on in the background, a good solid effort here,

A

Seed of Chucky

1) While we we're in the spirit of Chucky I figured that I'd round out the series by reviewing this turd of a movie. Definitely the lowest of low for the franchise. It totally explains why they were so apprehensive about funding another movie after this one.

2) Not a lot of it makes sense or was really funny. I mean, Redman makes a cameo for almost no real purpose. Chucky drives Britney Spears off the road and makes an "opps I did it again" joke. And how'd Glen get tha British voice? Smh.

3) You remember the first time you got JWW's Taiwan file? He's hyped it up the whole summer, it's like 600 some odd pages, and has like 18 different chapters. You're like WOW, I can't wait to get a hold of this. Then you realize that you might as well have just donated all that paper to the local pet store to give the birds something to crap on. (LOL JK JON).

Likewise, here, the whole movie, you sit here, watching it, hoping it gets better. And then it just gets worse and worse. Jennifer Tilly gets pregnant from Chucky's semen that his lady friend impregnated her with. I mean do I really need to go much further into it than that?

Eh, it's still Chucky,

C-

Curse of Chucky

1) Super pumped that one of the original horror villains that ruined the better part of my adolescence has returned. And not returned in the comedic-horror genre, but an attempt at returning to Chucky's roots. This musical ensemble (lol @ the academy awards) was so tight b/c the music was super scary tha whole time. Tight they brought back tha original voice of Chucky too.

2) And it wasn't just a shitty remake. At first I thought Chucky was just gonna run a train on some strangers. Then tha movie explains the family that Chucky was terrorizing was actually a family that (25 years ago) he was wrecking havoc on with when he ran from the police during the opening scene of the original Child's Play. Talk about some sequencing. This is light years better than the connections that the Halloween movies tried to make between all of those sequels.

 3) And what a great ending. Jennifer Tilly (sp?) returned to send Chucky back to Alice where he started to steal her soul.Flash forward 6 months, Chucky gets sent back as a package to THE ORIGINAL ANDY BARCLAY (who made a cameo in the movie). THAT IS HOW YOU SET UP A SEQUEL.

4) Hard to say how good I thought this was. In terms of how low my expectations were for a straight to DVD reboot, this couldn't have gotten any better. It got scary again, and managed to both reference and fit in time wise with the rest of the sequels.

As that one idiot said about the awful movie the Artist, "The [] ending had me on my feet cheering throughout the final credits. I can't wait to see it again."

A

The Haunting of Sorority Row

1) My favorite genre of horror movie is the college/teen based thrillers (See here, here, and here) so it makes sense that this would be up my alley. The problem is that this is a made for tv PG-13 straight to DVD kind of movie lol.

2) Part of the other problem is I generally think movies that have to reiterate that "college is a time to try new things" are overdone. Like, oh we get it Kyle.  This isn't late breaking news so why do we have to repeat it ad nauseam. 

3) On a (sort of) random side note, why do they keep harping up these "traditions" that can't be broken. That logic justified a whole host load of social injustice (buff "academic" buffalo) and just generally doesn't make any sense in the context of some goofy social club having a meeting not to talk to other people outside of their club. Like who cares lol.

4) And obvi this one could never be close to the all time top 5 movie Sorority Row. The similarities are there in that someone died, now they think someone is coming back, etc. But generally pretty budge compared to one of tha greatest.

B-

This is the End

1) Not really (at all) a horror movie, but it does center around the apocalypse and the devil coming out to get everyone. And it played off tha famous scene in The Exorcist. Also when Jonah Hill got taken over by that devil it was almost a verbatim reenactment of Rosemary's Baby.

2) Really overall pretty solid. It was funny, most of the cast was good (although James Franco had been kinda ruined for me ever since I saw Freaks and Geeks). For the most part, it's kind of hard to go wrong with this cast in a movie.

3) And at least most of the people that would have ruined the movie got sucked into the ground before they had a chance to. That Aziz guy and that Mindy girl drive me bonkers. You almost find yourself cheering for the big hole in the ground to get rid of the annoying famous people before the movie really takes off lol.

4) These end of the world movies have really been solid (see also Cabin in the Woods).

A

Cheaters' Club

1) It wasn't super spooky lol. The plot line is that there is some therapist who is telling all of her clients to engage in extramarital affairs to save their marriages. But then all of them start getting lopped off. Not the best, but I do have a thing for lifetime movies.

2) I didn't think it was rocket science that one of the girls in the group had been in on it. Maybe it's just because these Lifetime movies are generally pretty predictable lol.

3) And really why were they so resistant to the detectives? I mean, I get that you'd have to tell them you're cheating, but it's not like they are gonna make a poster to show your neighbors. SMH at obstructing justice lol.

4) That second girl that got TKO'd was off of House at the End of the Street.

It was pretty boring lol,

D+

Texas Chainsaw 3D

1) I'll try not to rehash my previous posts complaining about me watching all these 3D movies without glasses (which would really need another post explaining how they scare the bejesus out of me), but it's pretty jitsu trying to sit through a movie where you know the chainsaw isn't actually coming out at you.

2) It's pretty middle of the road compared to most other old movies that also attempted to run it back (see The Last House on the Left and My Bloody Valentine 3D (which is actually pretty tight for totally irrelevant reasons #wheelsup)).

3) I know I haven't reviewed all of the Texas Chainsaw movies, but they've kind of run out of material to show. I mean, at least for Michael Myers, Halloween comes once a year. Jason has Friday the 13th. What new challenges is Leatherface really going to run into these days? You think if he put up a "no trespassing" sign his problems would be over with.

4) Random thought: Is this the Scooby-Doo van or what? I mean, its 5 people in a big van who end up trying to solve this mystery going on at this old haunted massacre house. Yabba dabba do lol.

B-

Evil Dead (2013) - Live Tweets

Kind of a unique review tonight bw. I'm gonna review it just based off of my and Alan's live tweets of it from back in tha day lol. 

1) Here are some of Alan's gems on my computer that summed up my thoughts on the movie pretty well

a) ""they aren't just dead...they are evil dead" @*buff* trying to sell tha Evil Dead"

b) "theres not even a plot to this movie." --@*buff*. Is he talking about Annie Hall or Evil Dead?

c) "You know when Woody Allen went back to kindergarten? Don't start asking for explanations on why they do things"--@*buff*

d) "OH MY GOD OOOOOOHHH"--@*buff* 

2) And, some of my own tweets (and alan's actual thoughts)

a)  "to be fair. this movie is better than annie hall 20 minutes in." - @alan

b) "holy god this is scary #couchbread2013"

c)  "luvin tha ending credits flashing back to tha original #evildead2013"

and after the movie

d) "as a random aside to everything: KState sucks"  LOL

Maybe I'll review it for real soon lol,

A

The Last Exorcism Part II

1) Pretty weird movie. Having not previously reviewed the first movie, I don't want to spoil too much for my fans lol. The beginning really reminded me of MAMA when that crazy chick is shifting around the house all creepily.

2) Part of my beef with all of the devilesque movies is that there can probably really never be an ending to them. I mean I get that you could (maybe) keep the devil away from possessing an individual. But how are you just supposed to TKO the devil altogether? Even here, there's just a prophecy that he's gonna go to town on the whole planet. How is she supposed to prevent that?

3) Which also begs the question for these movies why there are even sequels. I mean, from the end of this movie the world is already screwed. Hopefully we don't get to see what a third one of these movies looks like lol.

4) Anyone catch that she was staying at the killer from the I Know What You Did Last Summer movies?

Meh,

C-

1408

1) Uhhhh. Not tha best way to start off the second greatest day of tha year lol. I feel like this review is more of a questionnaire for the director lol.

2) Samuel Jackson is super tight, but outside of the hit movie Identity, John Cusack is generally too emo and boring. I get that he had a fictional death in the family, but man o man is he cranky the whole time.

3) I've watched this movie 3 times and still don't really get what's going on. Is he having a dream the whole time? Is the room just really making him hallucinate? If so, what is up with the fire that sets him free? And why does he just stare real creepily at the end of the movie? Is he possessed? Is he still hallucinating? Did someone slip him something in his drink?

4) You know how the Shining left a few things up in the air (why was Jack in that picture on the wall? who was that bartender)? It's like that movie, only the entirety of the movie is one irrelevant question after another.  I imagine if someone really had to explain the movie, there'd be 1408 different explanations of what actually went on (maybe that's how they got the movie title lol). 

How JC and SLJ made serious faces for the movie poster is beyond me. No way they put this one on their resumes

D

Halloweenjitsu in tha news!!

Well "big news"for buff.

One of halloweenjitu's biggest fans has (sort of) recognized tha blog. Obvi, Halloweenjitsu has gotten some press in tha past, but never from someone as OTC as Buff's idol from the hit TV show Buckwild.****

Hope everyone can live with that all that jealousy tonight lol.


***Obvi I realize this is just her favoriteing (sp?) a tweet lol. But when is tha last time Buff's celebrity crush has favoreited one of your tweets lol?**

September ramblings

Wgbw. I know I've apologized too many times to count lol about tha lack of blogging. A few args for why this next month is gonna be OTC and explanations for a lull from tha status quo lol.

1) I think for tha month of October I'm gonna hiatus from tha top 10 TV shows (but wait buff, you don't blog about it regularly now anyway lol). My reasoning is partly to make room for October (obvi), and also that with the twitter/blogosophere just going HAM on tv show finales I need a reprieve to gather my thoughts lol.

2) October is going to rule. TOMORROW IS THA SECOND GREATEST DAY OF THA YEAR. The next month will be filled with all Halloween cheer :) I've upgraded tha net flix account to ship a wreck of dvd's so I'll always have something to review lol.

HAPPY (IMPENDING) HALLOWEEN

AYEEEE!

Top 10 TV Shows: #7: Cheaters

#7 is tha hit tv show Cheaters.

1) How tight is this show. I mean, they follow around a bunch of shady people cheating on their significant others and then bust them. Solid justice and entertainment for everyone.

2) I'd be skeptical about calling Cheaters to go on the lookout though. I mean, how many episodes go by where they bust someone on their first surveillance outing (*btw it just took me like 5 minutes to figure out how to spell the word surveillance lol*), and then hold off disclosing the information to "complete their investigation" lol. I'd be like "uhhhh, did you catch them already? If so can we go bust them before they are gii and I have to see them gii?" Seems like a pretty reasonable request.

3) IDRC about all of the haters who think that a bunch of scenes in the show have been staged. Like the stabbing/gun shot scenes. The haters should just be glad no one was hurt lol.

4) This was really solid trashy TV back before trashy TV was in style. Good stuff.

Top 10 TV Shows: #8 Eastbound and Down

Wgbw. Sorry again 4 tha delays, been busy l8ly lol.

1) Anywho, figured I would wait until some shows had ended before putting up tha final rankings. Having said that I realized this fourth season is just supposed to start on Sunday lol.

2) The seasons have gone down hill progressively since that Hall of Fame first season. Season 1 has possibly the greatest 30 minutes of consecutive television in tha history of tha world. The whole season is top notch.

3) Now although the last two haven't been great (and even sub-par for tha 3rd one), they still are above tha rest. Season 2 was still pretty solid, and at least Season 3 had a few good moments (obvi the episode where Kenny referred to Season 3 of  Friends as being worthy of tha Criterion Collection).

Here's open Season 4 has more of April (obvi & yeah buddy) and less of the other stupid parts of the show...

Top 10 TV Shows: #9: To Catch a Predator

#9 is tha hit show TO CATCH A PREDATOR.

I have a love/hate relationship with documentaryesque shows, but this one is top notch. I mean, they take sex predators off the street, bring justice to the world, and generally make for good television.

Two other observations

a) The episodes where Chris Hansen gives his commentary about the current episode that the audience is watching is super dumb. It's like, hey Chris, we're watching the same fucking show and know what is happening. We don't need your play by play about what questions you're asking the guy.

b) During a TCAP binge, AMAC and I noticed that on the older eps (that I think are available on youtube) they pause the screen on the offender's face right as CH walks out and play this crazy music. It's awesome.

Top 10 TV Shows: #10: Real Chance of Love

Wgbw, the 10th greatest tv show of all time was the hit VH1 reality show REAL CHANCE OF LOVE.

Real and Chance were originally contestants on I Love New York (which was a spawn off of Flavor of Love). New York was a pretty cray character but she at least introduced the world to Real and Chance. 

It was really such a solid show due to Chance being on the show. He was always being tight, got drunk and did crazy shit, and was pretty incomprehensible.

The other solid part was the sick theme song that was sang by tha 3 brothers. And obvi the questions they asked tha girls to stay on the show: "Will you take a CHANCE with me? Will you keep it REAL with me?"

STALLIONAIRES!!

Top 10 TV Shows of All Time

Wgbw. I know I've been slacking lately, but I promise to make it up. As part of this, I'm doing a top 10 countdown of tha greatest TV shows of all time.

Now I know there are some obvi spoilers from tha rest of the blog. But I promise it'll be mildly entertaining lol.

Stay tuned \o/

We're the Millers

1) This was pretty solid. Obvi going into the movie you knew there would be some dumb scenes since they are doing something so ridiculous lol. I mean, it was a little over tha top to repeatedly beat up these international drug lords. And what are tha odds that a group of 4 strangers could really spend 48 hours together and decide they should be a family for the rest of their life? But overall, it was pretty good.

2) Man that one goofy kid must have really gotten his jollies going when he was making out with the two of them at once lol.

3) Despite how all around good the movie was, the best part was definitely in the after takes where they surprise Jennifer Aniston by playing the Friends theme song. She looked like she was tearing up even after all these years :(

4) Anyone catch Jason Sudeikis's Arthur Bryant's shirt?!?! He's always repping KC.

B+

Freaks and Geeks

1) Me and Alan watched this sporadically for a few weekends. At least it ate up a few of those Sundays lol.

2) I could do without them following around the outcast group of people. It seemed like it rehashed a worse version of the Breakfast Club. The 80s already did the rebel outcast genre. I don't know why they tried to reinvent the wheel here.

3) The geeks were all kinda tight. Almost seemed like they musta been geeks in real life too to play it that well. Although I will say, what on god's green earth was the main character thinking when he broke up with Cindy? I mean, HELLO MCFLY, what are the odds he's ever gonna have a girlfriend again? Is his beef really that she just wants to gii and not watch his goofy movies? smh.

4) And what was going on with the ending? The show really ends when the girl goes to academic camp but ends up going concert hopping all summer? Is that supposed to be symbolism or something? What happened to the rest of the characters? Did that one guy keep playing dungeons and dragons? Too many questions.

Good if you're bored, but don't pull out tha wallet for this one

C+

The Call

1) For how goofy the movie poster for this one is, it was pretty okay. I mean, what's going on with the all red poster? And I'll bet a lot of 911 calls are personal LOL.

2) For how solid of a 911 operator she is, you think she'd be trained not to go out and do maverick detective work. All the police in Los Angeles and someone who sits behind a desk all day manages to figure out where this killer guy is hiding?

3) And really she's got better odds of winning the lottery then randomly getting this guy's new victim to call in again. I mean, a 911 operator takes a phone call in LOS ANGELES. Then, it freaks her out so much that she goes on admin duty for awhile. THEN she's doing a random training one day and manages to get the hear a caller who is getting stalked by the same killer. What are the odds of that? (As a side note, I've been calling into a lot of radio contests lately and never manage to be the 95th caller. Maybe I'm just in the bitter barn lol.)

4) And what was going on with the ending? They finally track this guy down and then just leave him in this underground home he has? I don't think they even really injure him. They just tie him down in his own little unfinished basement and leave. What justice smh.

All that and the movie was still pretty original and kept my attention.

C

Chris Weidman: My Last Hope

Alright bw, I try not to veer off tha movie theme too much, but I gotta get this off my chest.

Chris Weidman is my last hope at UFC glory for the immediate future.

For those of you familiar with buffalo, my favorite fighters, in no particular order, were/are Chuck Liddell, Matt Hughes, Frank Mir, and Dan Henderson. As you might note, most of these fighters are in their late 30s, retired, or keep getting knocked unconscious.

Matt Hughes. He had such a good run going. He choked out Ricardo with a wrestling move, beat that n00b Gracie, and shut up Matt Serra. Then he got knocked out by BJ Penn and Koscheck and subsequently retired :(

Chuck Liddell. My oldest fave fighter, he was fighting Shogun for a shot at the belt and then got knocked out. He came back in the best shape of his life, broke Rich Franklin's arm, and then managed to get knocked out into retirement.

Frank Mir. He still has some gas in the tank, but after losing a title shot to JDS and then losing to Cormier, he won't be getting a shot at the belt any time soon.

Dan Henderson. Man, Hendo knocked out Fedor, Cavalcante, and put a whooping on Shogun, only to lose two heartbreaking split decisions that probably eliminate any chance of him getting a shot at the belt.

Chris Weidman. Buff's last shot at greatness. In the last two years of my life, Hendo and Mir have both lost twice, and my other two favorites are retired. As Eminem would say, "Success is my only m***f*** option, failure's not." Although Weidman is only 29, and will obvi comeback from this fight if he loses, that would blow. Buff's string of bad luck has run out. Weidman has the chin, wrestling, and submissions to take the belt tonight. The GOAT's time has come. WELCOME TO THE WEIDMAN ERA.

Why Tony Lives: Silencing the Haters Once and For All

This is a shortened post. I originally tried to make AT's every possible reason Tony died, but I figured that will be a post for another day. After looking all over the internet I realize there are a thousand different conspiracy theories as to why Tony dies. I won't address all of them because some of them are so far fetched it's unreal.

Anywho, here's the top few reasons why he doesn't die, and some answers to the dumb 'he died' args.

1) We've always been privy to hits on Tony. Why not now?

David Chase has been SHH at fans too focused on the finale. The above article says Chase didn't analyze all of those goofy little connections that make people think he died. Hell, the guy that interviewed Chase when writing the book doesn't even think Tony dies.  His argument is that we were always privy to everything going on in the show. The audience knew when people wanted hits on Tony; we knew that Patsy was drunk about to take out Tony in his backyard; we were privy to every conversation in which another boss wanted Tony out; Junior's conversation about going downtown. Why would Chase leave the audience out of the loop in this one? Certainly we would have heard if someone made an order to take out Tony. We've seen it EVERY OTHER TIME. Why would they veer off the path now?

2) The cast thinks he lives.

Not my best arg, but try to find a cast member who think he dies. David Chase won't close the door on a movie. If Tony's dead how could they possibly make a movie? Bobby thinks so too. Tony was all riled up that they just killed him off but then he too realized that didn't actually happen.

3) No motive.

There's a truce! Phil's dead and everyone has agreed not to make any more moves. Who would have a motive to take Tony out at this point? If Tony feels comfortable enough to let his family out is there really a danger to him?

4) WHO KILLS TONY?

For all you haters out there who think Tony dies, riddle me this: who figures out where Tony is? I can already predict the response to this: "someone with some allegiance to Phil." It's just a boogeyman theory. No one knows anyone specific, but everyone is damn sure that somebody did it. If I'm wrong someone should just reply with the person's name. I'll retract the entire post if someone can answer that question without a qualifier.

5) Logistically no one can get him. 

That Butch guy spends the entire episode getting lost in China town. All of a sudden he can navigate to the new restaurant Tony's family is trying out? They can't even get close to him for two eps, gets lost in Chinatown, but then they can remarkably track him down at the restaurant?

And how is he supposed to find this diner within 6 minutes of Tony's arrival? Not only does this mystery man track Tony down. But executes him and waits on his entire family to get there. Obvi he's interested in making Tony apprehensive the whole time by walking around the restaurant, and really wants his whole family to witness the whole ordeal. SMH.

During the entire show, Tony always asks people if they are being followed? He's irate about this the entire show. If all of you haters really think that there has never been a bigger threat on Tony's life then why would he dilly-dally around and not notice someone following him? IT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY THING ON HIS MIND DURING THE LAST EP. Someone tell me how he'd forget about this when there's supposedly a big target on his back.

6) Journey wouldn't sign off on them using DONT STOP BELIEVING until he knew that Tony wouldn't get wacked. What's your answer to that haters?

1) A2 "But it turns black at the end!"

Yeah, like it would really be that simple. Here's what I don't get about all you naysayers: on one hand you argue that the screen turned black so it's obvi he's dead. I mean, what a simple explanation. On the other hand, you have all these theories about tigers, the color orange, abe lincoln, and the last supper as esoteric (how's that for vocab lol) clues that also explain it. I mean, pick which one.

Also, David Chase disagrees with you lol. "There was nothing definite about what happened." Here's more ev that focusing on tha final scene leads to misinterpretation. "(Chase insists that what you saw (and didn't see) is what you get. "There are no esoteric clues in there. No `Da Vinci Code,'")"

2) "BUT BOBBY SAYS YOU DON'T HEAR IT. AND THEY REFERENCE THAT IN THE SECOND TO LAST EP."

For the record, Bobby says you probably don't hear it when it happens. How do you explain that when Bobby dies he hears it? Sil doesn't hear it when what's his face gets taken out, but Sil hears it the rest of the series. And why wouldn't Sil hear it when the guy is at the table right next to him? Any explanation defies common sense. There's not a single person that dies in the show that doesn't hear it when it happens.

Using this logic, it's just as plausible that Tony had a panic attack in the final ep. Now I know what you're thinking, "But buffalo, he's never had a panic attack where he just blacks out all of a sudden." Well obvi. Neither does anyone else die and the screen just cuts to black. He's had more panic attacks then threats on his life. Even with this ridiculous line of thinking, he's still more likely to have had a panic attack then a sudden death. 

Warm Bodies

1) Eh, it's a lot better than some of tha other zombie movies. Obvi I have a thing for horror romcoms, but it was hard to get too wild about this one.

2) I guess it was one of tha first zombie movies to develop the subsets of zombies. I was only half paying attention when I was watching this so it made it pretty hard to keep up at first lol.

3) The whole thing is pretty out in left field. Even assuming zombies are real, it's still pretty unbelievable. I mean, they figure out that to transition the zombies into humans, they gotta start to get feelings for each other. Who would really be the first to jump off the cliff into that one? It's like, yeah I'll just start gii with this zombie and maybe he won't eat my friends flesh anymore.

4) It's pretty tight that there's a COLONEL in the movie who's trying to TKO people.

B-

Silver Linings Playbook

 
1) Eh. I was really excited about this movie. Some movie about a crazy guy and Jennifer Lawrence should be OTC. But after two hours I'm not sure anything actually ever got resolved.

2) It seemed like it went overboard with the whole crazy thing. Like I think it had a good setup of Bradley Cooper's character and Jennifer Lawrence was pretty solid. But it just kept going the whole movie. I mean, I get the whole mental illness is a lifetime thing but neither one of them ever really mellowed out. Even at the end of the movie she storms out because hes talking to his ex-wife even tho she knew that the ex-wife would be tuning in. The sequel to this movie would just be them having a bunch of fights over dumb things over and over again. I mean what kinda closure did anyone get? The dad's still gambling, he's still compulsive, and she's still pretty irrational.

3) And the music going on during the movie was driving me crazy (get it lol). It's like every time he was having an ep there was some music blaring that was drowning out whatever he was saying. I dunno if this was supposed to be symbolic  of his episodes or if it was just accidentally annoying.

4) As a random aside I made the following two notes during the movie: (1) "Julia stiles >>>>" & (2) "Jennifer lawrence >>>>>" Pretty deep stuff right there. They also had dinner on Halloween which was pretty tight.

5) The final nail in the coffin was when the movie ended by him talking about how Sunday is his favorite day of the week. Sundays suck. SMH.

Despite all my complaining, it was still pretty good. Jennifer Lawrence + crazy + RomCom ending. Go figure.

B+