Krampus

What's good blog world. Figured I'll try and bring back tha blogging for this October lol. Some of you may remember last Winter's hit movie KRAMPUS. I didn't quite make it to tha theaters to see this one due to tha movie CREED (which was pretty OTC btw).

1) Anywho, this was pretty solid for being about Christmas. My loyal blog readers will remember that I can't stand Christmas (see here, here, and here), but this was still pretty original for being based on a pretty well-known XMas horror figure.

2) Most of the time they sit around and complain about Christmas (which makes a lot of sense to me obvi).  I'm with them- a forced holiday that makes everything busier and that if you complain about at all then everyone tells you to quit ruining the special day. (As a side note- I usually make up having a ladyfriend every year so I can leave Christmas early lol). But I guess that's why Krampus pops out- he can't stand when people don't like Christmas.

3) Although I will say the movie gets pretty goofy in the middle of it. There's like a bunch of gingerbread cookies that start shooting nail guns at that one dude. Krampus appears to be able to metaphor as tha one scene shows him jumping over houses, and then becomes a clown who eats people. I don't know if I totally get it.

4) When JJ and I saw CREED in theaters I kept telling him how funny I thought it would be if Krampus just jumped out at the end of the movie when they run up the stairs. I'm glad he didn't lol.

B-

Dallas Buyers Club

1) Eh it was actually okay. Tha (not too over condensed) story line is that a homophobic guy gets HIV, gets ostracized by his friends, eventually turns to foreign medicine to get better, and then (spoiler alert) eventually dies at tha end.

2) That being said, it was long. Like 2 hours long. And we went and saw it late Friday night so I got real board (sp?) in tha middle of it. Like there's a point in tha movie when he realizes he may not hate gay people that much, hates tha FDA, and wants to keep selling drugs to all these people. At that point, I'm like, let's go ahead and speed tha rest of this along because I think we all know where it's going. But then they just spend like 30 minutes on repeat showing him talking shit on tha FDA and getting more overseas drugs.

3) Actually tha movie had one of those countdowns like in tha movie Seven.  They tell him he has thirty days to live then the scenes start out like "day 1", "day 28", etc. At tha end of the movie it's like "day 2853" (get it- to show how long he has gone despite the medical consensus that he wouldn't). The problem was at that point I felt like it was in real time and we had been sitting in tha theater that long lol.

4) Man, Matthew McConaughey had to lose a wreck of weight for tha movie and it looked like he just lost all muscle mass. I'll bet that was a total pain in the ass and will be super hard to rebuild lol.

Besides how long it was, it was pretty good.

B-

Son of Dracula (1943)

1) These mid 20th century movies are growing on me (well sort of). Maybe it's because the plots are pretty easy to understand and the length of the movies accommodates my ADD.

2) That being said I still don't know why it's titled "Son of Dracula." I don't remember him popping a kid out in the original, but I guess I didn't see the Dracula's Daughter one either so maybe I am just out of the loop.

3) That was some crazy weird soap opera love triangle stuff going on here. I mean, the chick ditches her boyfriend for Alucard (which is Dracula spelled backwards lol), but only to become immortal so she can then turn the bf into a vampire and TKO the actual dracula. And then at tha end she gets crossed by her bf. You give someone the gift of immortality and they take it out on you by destroying your coffin smh...

4) I guess this was the first Dracula movie to ever show a person transforming into a bat. Must've been wild in 1943 lol.

B-

The Purge

 1) I think it was supposed to have some social message undertones. For example, there's this part at the beginning where the purge starts and they let this dude running around outside into the house. Then this group of upper class n00bs comes and says to give him up or they'll TKO the whole family. Then there's this utilitarian/ethics debate amongst the family where they can't decide whether to give the stranger to the mob or to not do it and all die. DB said there was some social significance to other lines in tha movie but I don't really remember them lol.

2) That was a long #1 point lol.

3) My biggest beef with tha movie is that (putting aside the absurd plot) how woefully unprepared the family is for anything. I mean, even in tha movie Fear they can explain the lackluster security on Reese Witherspoon's character coughing up the code to the house. Here, not only do they
a) let in a total stranger on the worst possible day; they also b) then let him run around the house for 30 minutes without looking for him; c) all of while their teenage daughter is no where to be found; and d) they split up. As I was explaining earlier to DB, why on God's green earth would you divide and conquer around the house to find some total stranger? And even at the end of it, why don't they do something about those crazy neighbors. I mean, THEY JUST SANG THAT CRAZY ANTHEM AROUND YOU WHILE TELLING YOU THEY WERE GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOUR FAMILY. Do you really need a reason to not let them hang out at the dinner table with you?

4)  I don't really know how good a sequel to this could really be. At the end of the day I don't think the family will let anyone into the house again lol.

Ethan Hawke has been pretty mediocre in these B- horror movies so far (see Sinister). I don't know that I'd be lining up outside the movie theater to see him star in another one of these.

Thanks Obama, 

B-

The Haunting of Sorority Row

1) My favorite genre of horror movie is the college/teen based thrillers (See here, here, and here) so it makes sense that this would be up my alley. The problem is that this is a made for tv PG-13 straight to DVD kind of movie lol.

2) Part of the other problem is I generally think movies that have to reiterate that "college is a time to try new things" are overdone. Like, oh we get it Kyle.  This isn't late breaking news so why do we have to repeat it ad nauseam. 

3) On a (sort of) random side note, why do they keep harping up these "traditions" that can't be broken. That logic justified a whole host load of social injustice (buff "academic" buffalo) and just generally doesn't make any sense in the context of some goofy social club having a meeting not to talk to other people outside of their club. Like who cares lol.

4) And obvi this one could never be close to the all time top 5 movie Sorority Row. The similarities are there in that someone died, now they think someone is coming back, etc. But generally pretty budge compared to one of tha greatest.

B-

Texas Chainsaw 3D

1) I'll try not to rehash my previous posts complaining about me watching all these 3D movies without glasses (which would really need another post explaining how they scare the bejesus out of me), but it's pretty jitsu trying to sit through a movie where you know the chainsaw isn't actually coming out at you.

2) It's pretty middle of the road compared to most other old movies that also attempted to run it back (see The Last House on the Left and My Bloody Valentine 3D (which is actually pretty tight for totally irrelevant reasons #wheelsup)).

3) I know I haven't reviewed all of the Texas Chainsaw movies, but they've kind of run out of material to show. I mean, at least for Michael Myers, Halloween comes once a year. Jason has Friday the 13th. What new challenges is Leatherface really going to run into these days? You think if he put up a "no trespassing" sign his problems would be over with.

4) Random thought: Is this the Scooby-Doo van or what? I mean, its 5 people in a big van who end up trying to solve this mystery going on at this old haunted massacre house. Yabba dabba do lol.

B-

Warm Bodies

1) Eh, it's a lot better than some of tha other zombie movies. Obvi I have a thing for horror romcoms, but it was hard to get too wild about this one.

2) I guess it was one of tha first zombie movies to develop the subsets of zombies. I was only half paying attention when I was watching this so it made it pretty hard to keep up at first lol.

3) The whole thing is pretty out in left field. Even assuming zombies are real, it's still pretty unbelievable. I mean, they figure out that to transition the zombies into humans, they gotta start to get feelings for each other. Who would really be the first to jump off the cliff into that one? It's like, yeah I'll just start gii with this zombie and maybe he won't eat my friends flesh anymore.

4) It's pretty tight that there's a COLONEL in the movie who's trying to TKO people.

B-

Varsity Blues

1) Wgbw. The other night I woke up on the couch to the hit movie Friday Night Lights, and it reminded me that I haven't reviewed all of the movies I own about rural texas high school football. I mean how tight is the opening description of this movie, "In small-town Texas, high school football is a religion." #damnstraight.

2) It is kinda goofy how in most teen comedies all the actors/resses are in their mid 20s. If I was better looking I could probably go get a gig playing in some high school football thriller.

3) Amy Smart's character always weirded me out after she played such different characters in Road Trip and the Butterfly Effect. I guess maybe that just means she's a solid actress lol.

4) All in all a pretty solid movie. I mean, it's a little unbelievable and all, but it's hard to go wrong with this West Texas football thing.

B-

Scream 2

1) It was a pretty solid sequel. Although I have love for most other initial sequels (see Halloween 2, Hostel Part II, and Child's Play 2), this one wasn't near as good as some of the other famous movie chains.

2) Kinda crazy that the mom killer was Roseanne's sister lol. I get that I get spooked more often than the normal 26 year old. But really after she took her mask off could you really be that scared? This average looking not buff middle aged slow chick is chasing you around? I mean, just runaway FCS. Who knows tho; I've been scared of crazier stuff.

3) As I've mentioned before, one of the tight parts about the Scream movies is that they give a bunch of shout outs to other horror movies. At the same time, it makes me feel a little jitsu b/c I still haven't seen so many of the horror movies that they mention. I guess the blog has a long ways to go lol.

4) Also a big shout out for mentioning two of the characters from the hit tv show Friends.

B-

Case 39

Been awhile since I've seen this one and been awhile since I've blogged about a horror movie lol.

1) Striking resemblance to The Orphan. It's like the middle class social advocate who wants to help someone out who eventually gets hoisted on their own petard. Wikipedia tells me that the girl from the Orphan was actually considered for the part of Lillith. And that ending too- both girls end up drowning while the lead character swims away.

2) It also reminded me a lot of The Butterfly Effect in the sense that the main character knows someone crazy who they later discover was right about all of the shenanigans the whole movie and not actually crazy. Only at the end of this movie she just gets to go back to reality which is kinda cray given that she burnt down her house, ran off a bridge, and generally was outta control.

3) It was pretty spooky but I thought the ending kinda dragged on for a little too long. Like, we get that she figures out that the girl is the antichrist but then it takes her forever to finally get some resolution to the whole thing. I don't really know how you resolve having custody of the antichrist, but it seemed like she coulda done it quicker.

4) Pretty spooky that this girl was the little girl from Cabin in the Woods.

B-

The Invisible Man (1933)

1) Obvi reminds me of the underrated movie Hollow Man. Only this ones some 60 years earlier lol.

2) If this really happened it would obviously be one of the scariest things that has ever happened. Where would you hide from this guy? My first thought was just to go hang out in your car and feel around until you made sure it was clear and then get the hell out of town. But what if he's just hanging on to the top of your car or something? Really no where to run. 

3) For all the perks of being invisible, the guy does have some good talking points about the drawbacks of it. Walking down the stairs would  be hard as hell since you can't look at your feet. I'm sure kickboxing, dancing, and a variety of other habits would have to go out the door as well.


4) The ending was a little ho-hum. I'm always for the horror movies that leave at least a little bit of a cliff hanger. It's too bad that they just showed him ultimately getting TKO'd and returning to normal. Doesn't really leave much room for a sequel.

B-

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)

1) @Stone thought I should review this and that's not a horrible idea. I actually am not a fan of family/feel-good movies generally but this one was pretty good.

2) I know it's a fictional story and all, but it's pretty unbelievable. He has this big factory that sells candy that nobody's ever allowed to inspect? Obvi they don't abide by any safety regulations. Kind of makes you wonder if those oompa loompa people are paid well and stuff.

3) And really the kids are going this apeshit over winning a lifetime supply of candy? I mean, I know kids dig the candy and all,  but it's probably not worth getting this excited about. Back in the day I used to love those nerd ropes until I ate myself sick of them, but don't really think I would've been this nutso about winning a lifetime supply of the stuff.

4) And actually this movie is pretty spooky. That dude who tries to buy off the kids is creepy, the whole factory place gives me the willies, and the fact that there's just all of this scary unchartered territory to conquer gives me the shakes. The newer version of the film actually scares the hell out of me more. Johnny Depp is generally creepy to me but he is just off the charts in that movie.

B-

Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning

1) This is probably the worst Friday the 13th movie because Jason isn't even the killer smh. It's actually kind of unclear that he's even in the movie or if it's just people's imaginations. But how can you make a Friday the 13th movie and not have Jason be the guy making moves? It's like the time the Halloween movies decided that leaving Michael Myers out would be profitable smh.

2) This one was also way too drug out. I didn't really enjoy the setting at the midway house since it wasn't really at some camp/lakeside like the rest of tha movies.

 3) That one girl who gets TKO'd in the woods was pretty fly \o/

4) After revisiting some of my reviews of all of the other Friday the 13th movies I don't think the C- ratings were necessarily deserved. I mean, the movies aren't that good, but they are still Friday the 13th movies which makes them at least B level.

No camp Crystal Lake, no Jason, no Bueno.

B-

Paranormal Activity 2

1) Wgbw, after reviewing the First and Third I finally made it to the second. This is probably somewhere in the middle of the two movies. It's obvi scarier than the first one, but no where near the 3rd one.

2) After watching these out of order, they still kinda confuse me. It's like the second one is a prequel to the first in the sense that it's just a little bit earlier while the 3rd one is the actual prequel. Kind of confusing to go all out of order. I'm really hoping the 4th one just goes down after the events in this one and not in between a bunch of them lol.

3) Anybody catch the Michael Myers look-a-like hanging out in the background of that kitchen scene? He's pretty visible for a lot of the dark camera scenes and goes away sporadically too \o/

4) That reminds me, if I was putting together one of these movies, I'd never waste money to see if there were any IMDB 'goofs'. I mean, pretend a cup was in one scene and not in the next. It's not really a goof, just a weird paranormal activity that the movie doesn't really explain. Seems like it's hard for the production crew to go wrong in these movies LOL.

Eh,

B-

21 Jump Street

1) I never watched the 80s version so maybe I'm out to lunch, but I didn't think it was that great. I mean, it was pretty funny and had it's moments and stuff, but didn't really live up to all the hoopla it was getting.

2) It's hard for me to understand that one of the main plot lines was just Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum fighting about how much attention they are getting in the fake high school. It's probably not worth getting that riled up about lol. The other problem was how long the end dragged on for. That whole last preparation for the showdown scene just kept going and going.

3) I never realized that the original guy besides Johnny Depp made a guest appearance in the hit TV show Friends as one of the bullies in season 2 named CARL.

4) I guess as a bonus it was one of the only Johnny Depp movies that he didn't personally freak me out in.

It was still pretty funny,

B-

Nosferatu

1) We watched this because it was on that jitsu 'great movies' list, but I know all the horror fans always say that it's one of the ones that started the horror genre so I guess it was good to watch.

2) Obvi the silent/black and white genre hasn't been great (I'll try to quit sounding like a broken record about this stuff), but this one was a little more jitsu because they had these subtitles on during the whole movie.

But they weren't really subtitles since it was silent, it was just like a commentary about what was going on during the movie. Come to think of it, this movie was just like one giant animated story book.

3) The other problem with the subtitles is that they were in some super old font that was hard to read. They should've put it in Century Gothic (@cormatt). And it was going way too fast to keep up with. I know my reading comprehension skills are below average, but even Alan had trouble keeping up with it.

4) The Nosferatu guy was pretty fucking spooky, especially given how old the movie is. I guess I kind of wonder why those people keep hanging out with the creepy dude who keeps lunging at blood, but to each their own.

Given that they couldn't add sound/color to it, still a solid movie given how old it is.

B-

Wet Hot American Summer

Wgbw! I wouldn’t normally watch a movie like this, but since I know somebody who actually went to Jewish summer camp, I thought I’d give it a go.

1) This movie is pretty much Airplane 3: Summer Camp. I mean, the jokes are pretty much the same style. They’re all one-liners that involve a pun, a contradiction, or wordplay of the similar sort.

2) The cast was weird, but star-studded. Paul Rudd was a doofus who was supposed to be “hot,” and Bradley Cooper played a gay musical-theater director. (uhh…) It was pretty funny that that one guy who hits Jonah Hill with a car in the hit movie Superbad had a minor role, but the hot girl from Mighty Ducks played a loveless chach.

3) That being said, I’m not sure if I like the whole “sorry I’m not gonna date you, nice guy, because this asshole Paul Rudd guy is hotter and that’s all I care about” sentiment. Awfully forward.

4) The best part of the movie was obvi when the campers are all playing “capture the flag” and a Jamaican-Olympic-runner-look-alike comes out of nowhere at a Jewish camp and wins the game. Funny on the same level as throwing Kareem Abdul Jabbar playing himself as a pilot in Airplane.

5) All in all, hot ladies, pretty funny jokes, but still weird.

B-

Airplane

Wgbw, sorry for tha delays- last week was super busy lol.

1) I still don't think this is a really famous movie. Obvi everyone has a better taste in my movies than me, but I think I'm generally more cognizant of movie stuff than most people. But then again maybe not. I think maybe I'd heard the Shirly line but who knows.

2) It was super tight that the host from Unsolved Mysteries was in the movie. He was also in the hit film Beavis and Butthead Do America as that FBI agent. Unsolved Mysteries was such a tight show- especially when they covered all the old UFO stories.

3) Speaking of B&B- this movie was pretty good just because of all the inappropriate 12 year old jokes. It was like a crappier version of B&.

4) The best part of the movie was obvi the whole Kareem Abdul Jabbar scene. That shit still cracks me up just thinking about it.

B-

P.S. I Love You

What's good bw, it's almost time for Valentine's Day. Kind of like last year I'll try to floss up some girly movies but I'll throw in a horror related Vday movie too. Anywho,

1) I guess I've never seen a movie that had a plot like this. The guy gets TKO'd at the beginning but has left his lady friend all these preemptive messages to communicate with her after he's gone.

2) Eh, it just kind of dragged on after that. I remember the first time I saw this with an old lady friend, she was just crying the entire movie. I get that it's sad and all but it took awhile for her to go on this "journey".

3) I can't believe no one thought it was creepy. I mean, if someone left me all these messages I think I'd be scared that I was going to get haunted or something.

4) It's pretty solid overall I guess. Phoebe from the hit tv show Friends is in it.

Back in the day I was super excited about this movie and it just didn't live up to the hype,

B-

The Hitcher (2007)

Wgtf, getting back to the basics today.

1) The beginning of this one was pretty tight just like in the 1986 version. They go on a road trip which is always tight and then they see the crazy hitcher which gets the moving going pretty good.

2) For all my love for RomCom movies, I'm really not wild about all these horror movies that start out with these teens that are in love and excited to start their lives together. When I was falling asleep to I Know What You Did Last Summer last night, it's like this revelation just hit me. I know it doesn't make much sense but it's just like come on, not now.

3) This suffers from some similar problems that plagued the first one. I mean why do the cops think that they were the ones killing them? And how did that guy get hooked up to the truck?

4) At an hour and 27 minutes though, it was hard to go wrong with this one,

B-