Eraserhead

I don't even know where to begin.

1) So I tuned into this one because it is in the Criterion Collection. Now it makes me think that this is just a bunch of hipster movies that all tha cool kids think are really important and metaphysical (lol).

2) The first ten minutes is literally just flashing to this dude laying with his mouth open and some creature swimming around back to this deformed guy looking out the window. If you have to re-read that sentence to understand it all you are not alone.

3) And what was the plot? So he goes and gets convinced that he is tha father of his ladyfriend's mom's kid? And then the kid is actually some deformed creature who he starts having nightmares about and then starts TKO'ing tha thing? It doesn't make any sense. 

4) The loud, incessant, and irrelevant music really reminded me of tha turd movie Eyes Wide Shut. There's another movie that rivaled this one in the bad movies hall of fame. 

 How this got to the criterion collection is beyond comprehension.

F

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

Before I get started TW, I know what you're thinking: man this movie sucks Buff. Why on earth would you review it? Well, I don't really have a great answer. I was board (sp?) and thought the books were pretty good lol.

1) Some of tha reviews I read said this was one of the worst movies of the year, and after watching it I'd have to agree.

2) It had some pretty good stars for being such a turd of a movie. I've been really into the Good Wife lately. One of the hit stars off that shows plays Tucker Max. It might have been before he actually got famous/good lol. There were some pretty big guest appearances by the main dude in Swimfan. Tha other main guy was in tha Break Up and She's Out of My League so that was at least mildly entertaining.

3) The whole movie was so bad I don't even know how to pick out specific parts that were worse than tha others. There's a scene where he interrupts his best friends wedding to talk about how much he's grown up. Then he says he got the couple a surprise and makes tha whole wedding go outside only to discover that he has set up one of those dumb inflatable moonwalk things. And that's how the movie ends. What a dumb way to go. Now don't get me wrong, I heard tha Tinz got one for a party when he was an undergrad, and tha Tinz is tight. But for a wedding? I'd walk out and be like dude, you made my 89 year old grandma come all the way outside for this dumb carnival ride that you rented? smh.

4) You think if I only blogged once a month I'd pick out something good lol,

F

Piranha 3DD

1) My ADD often times gets the best of me. Back in the day I reviewed Piranha 3D and immediately regretted making myself sit through it. I don't know why I decided to give this one a go but dear lord was it bad.

2) The whole movie is just so ridiculous. The piranhas get lodged up inside of people, inside animals, and even can navigate these complex sewer systems. (Random FYI it took me a minute to figure out how to spell sewer lol). I understand that they intended to make it more ridiculous than the first one, which I should've realized and avoided this altogether.

3)  I'm all about the short movies. I think this one was an hour and 21 minutes. But no joke there's like 15 minutes of credits at the end where they just keep showing David Hasselhoff. If you skipped through the intro and ending credits you could probably have just have called this a short film.

4) It's hard to reiterate how bonkers this was. At the end of the movie the prianhas have learned how to run around on land. Just think about that for a minute. These piranhas have been sitting in this shut down touristy site for like a year and have suddenly learned to evolve to become killer land creatures. SMH.

Not even the R rating can make up for this,

F

The Girl Next Door (2007)

1) Uhhhh, no more of these smh. I'm not wild about all the torturesque horror movies (see Last House on the Left (2009) and I Spit on Your Grave (1978)), and this was more of the same. There's some girl who has to go live with her aunt and messed up cousins who do all of this screwed up stuff to her. Uhhhhhh.

2) Two thumbs down on the ending too. I mean the girl just dies after all of that horrible stuff happens to her? I guess the only positive part is that some guy named Officer Jennings arrests her so hopefully she gets some legal justice.

3) SMH at this movie for ruining the sister from Sixteen Candles. It was hard to take her serious as some psycho at first, but now I think this movie would make it hard for me to sit through Sixteen Candles again.

4) And what on earth is that guy talking about in the end? "Sometimes the past is a blessing or curse?" How would this sad, depressing, evil story be a blessing for anyone? How a torture movie can try to portray itself as a movie with some touching message at the end is beyond me.

This subset of horror movies sucks,

F

The Artist

1) What a beautiful film. Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian best described my own feelings towards the movie ""had me on my feet cheering throughout the final credits- I can't wait to see it again".

2) Actually I don't know what I enjoyed more: a) the fact that it was 'French-Romantic-Comedy-Drama', b) that there was no people talking, or c) that it was in black and white.

3) After seeing this I really think all films should go back to their silent and black and white days.

Actually no I don't. I can't imagine wanting to throw away my computer and type on some giant 1988 computer in my parent's basement that took an hour to boot up- why would you want to go back to crappier times in films?

4) Can you imagine the critics reactions at the time in the 1920s in France? They'd be like 'this is the dumbest movie ever- we were overjoyed when silent films went away!' And later generations would ask 'why on earth is this fucking movie in black and white? I thought that shit went out of style years ago.'

5) To be fair, I didn't actually watch this movie. I only watched the super long trailer that nearly put me to sleep. It would take an act of God to make me sit through an hour and 40 minutes of this.

As Petey would say, you can take this film, and give it back to the 1920s.

F

Blue Valentine

Oh dear lord blog world,

1) Talk about some depressing stuff. I always get into this debate with people about RomCom endings. Theres people who think that movies with realistic endings where the people break up are good because they reflect real life (i.e. The Breakup), and theres esteemed movie critics like myself that aren't so pessimistic about the world. I mean, does anyone really enjoy sad things in life? So why on God's green earth would someone be pumped about experiencing it again in a movie lol?

2) And man oh man was this depressing. There's the part where he goes to fight with her at her work, the part where they get in a huge fight in the middle of making love, then Ryan Gosling gets the shit beaten out of him by some dude, and then there's this depressing scene where she starts to get an abortion. I'm not getting political or anything, but just seeing her cry and agonize was :(

3) Whenever I grade movies, I tend to ask myself how often I would watch it again. I can't even begin to fathom how 88% of the 'top critics' on rotten tomatoes could put themselves through this over and over again.

4) I'm know I'm just saying the same thing over and over again, but how would anyone enjoy this? You have the lady friend come over, you sit down and watch this, and then I'm sure you'll both be in a great mood lol. Broken families, drunken fights, and a shitty life, I mean that's how good this movie gets.

5) And how deceiving is the movie poster? "A Love Story"? And them making out? They should've just showed them brawling or something smh.

F

Eyes Wide Shut

What's good blog world, sorry for the delays,

1) Man 2012 has been tight. But this movie maybe the worst movie I've seen in the last 3 years (minus Annie Hall).

2) It's like 3 hours long and nothing happens. It's got to be one of the slowest movies of all time. Like an hour into it all they've done is gone to some dance where they were both bored. For a movie that lasted so long you think they would have some plot development, etc. Nothing.

3) What was the plot of this movie? That Tom Cruise is bored with his sex life so he looks to some weird mystery society for guidance? Is it that he was investigating the weird club the whole time? Or that the one chick died? Either way you look at it nothing gets resolved. I mean, he tells his wife he went to the weird club and then she decides she still loves him.

4) Speaking of which, how horrible would that conversation be? 'Like, honey, I went to this prostitute, and paid her 150 dollars, then spent 300 dollars at this costume store where I witnessed an underage girl being taken advantage of, then strolled off to this mask party that was way out in the boonies where they threatened to hurt you if I told anyone about it so I investigated it.' She'd be like...uhhhhhhhhhhhh.

5) And why was that goddamn piano so loud the whole time? The whole movie they just kept striking the same piano key over and over again really loudly. It was like nails on a chalkboard. I'll bet people were just pouring out of the theater when this movie played back in the day.

F

I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

Uhhhhhhhhhh

1) I really am taking a break from some of the torture gross horror themed movies. I know I said this when I reviewed the newer one but man was this bad.

2) There's really not much to say except the whole movie was pretty gross/fucked up. It was just a bunch of messed up rape scenes and then her going to town on the bad guys. I totally get how people got all nauseous watching this.

3) I don't know how anyone could think watching this was even remotely enjoyable,

F

House of Wax (2005)

1) Smh, I knew this would be bad but I didn't realize how bad it would be. The beginning was kind of spooky/had a good set up but besides that I'm not sure there was even anything kind of remotely good about the rest of the movie.

2) It was kind of a unique storyline, but in a horrible way. There's not too many movies about brothers who like to kidnap people and keep them sitting around the house with wax on them, but there's a good reason for that.

3) It was even dumber that they discovered a 3rd brother at the end of the movie. #smh

4) They included an alternate opening on the bluray that was literally just some girl getting her head smashed into a window. Why on god's green earth did they think that was interesting enough to film, let alone include as an extra?

I don't pay heed to a lot of movie awards (obvi), but this was nominated for 3 Razzie's for a reason,

F

Piranha 3D

1) Only one way to describe this movie: SMH. Usually when I sign up for one of these dumb horror movies I get what I'm getting myself into. I didn't really think Sorority Row was gonna win any Academy Awards or anything, but it was what I thought it would be. I don't know what I really hoped for in this movie but dear god was it bad.

2) There's an earthquake that springs to life these piranhas and then they make there way to some spring break. That's really the whole movie. There's a brief interlude every 10 minutes of just showing some random Spring Break scene and then people get eaten. #smh

3) I guess the guest stars were unexpected- KP's old manager from Eastbound and Down was in it and the crazy doc from Back to the Future: 25th Anniversary Trilogy (+ Digital Copy) [Blu-ray], but besides that this one was one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

4) Smh at myself too for continually watching these 3D movies in 2D. Not that watching this in 3D would have made this movie any more bearable.

5) Actually there was nothing about this movie that was even kind of note worthy. There were 1400 previews, nothing actually happened and at 90 minutes it was still too long. It would be hard to add anything to this movie to make it worse. Maybe if that Peanut Butter Jelly Time song was on repeat the whole time. Besides that this was bottom of the pile.

F

Ice Queen

Dear god this was horrible. I don't even know where to start and don't want to waste another second of my life on such a bad movie.

F

Annie Hall

1) it has too much hipster weirdness jitsu in it. it's Pretty jitsu when they talk to the camera in the middle of the movie. the part where they're talking and the dialogue pops up at the Bottom is stupid. AND the split screen where they have to show both dinners simultaneously for no reason is dumb. Jitsu.

2) The jitsu just goes on and on. He talks to a horse while he's walking down the street about his relationship problems. He even goes back into a cartoon to complain about stuff. He goes back in time 30 years ago pops up in the classroom and has his 5 year old classmates tell the camera about their jobs. They go back in time in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past but at least that had a point.

3) It's like When Harry Met Sally but really terrible. It's like they walk around and talk about their relationships and shit but this movie just doesn't go anywhere. In Harry Met Sally it makes sense because you know the plot of the movie. I don't know what the plot is here. Usually a movie has some problem then a climax then some kind of solution. But this is just two people talking about stuff and then go off on irrelevant tangents: they fight and then talk about chocolate milk; they start complaining about some random spider in the middle of the night and that trails off into a conversation about black soap. It's like what is going on?

4) It wasn't a total waste: they talked about getting better everyday, and Pete made a bunch of jokes about Jon. Besides that it was a turd.

How this movie won any awards is beyond me.

F

Year One

In an attempt to start reviewing movies I haven't seen/movies I don't own I'm trying to branch out in movies. Unfortunately, this causes me to have to sit through horrible movies like this.

1) I'm all about immature humor but god this was stupid. There's like a scene where he licks poop, and another where he pees on the Superbad guy. I mean, I get it, it's just pretty stupid.

2) There's a bunch of shit thats creepy too. The snake part gives me the heebie jeebies. The big yellow snakes are the creepiest.

3) For how many big stars that were in this it was pretty lame. Jack Black hasn't been in a good movie since Enemy of the State, and everyone else is really ho hum.

3) Tight Friends FYI. Phoebes off and on boyfriend David makes an appearance as does Paul Rudd, who ends up marrying Phoebe in Season 10. They actually both appear in the same episode fighting for Phoebe's love (the one in barbados). When they filmed the movie they probably reminisced about how tight Friends was.

I wish this movie would have ended after 15 minutes,

F

Capitalism: A Love Story

Michael Moore's such a n00b.

1) A bunch of the people that he wants you to feel sorry for are pretty n00b. Why did that family at the beginning not open the door to their house? They video record the sheriff busting the door open but wouldn't just open it for them? Some serious jitsu could have been avoided by just opening the door.

2) The whole movie is really stupid. I don't have the energy to go into some political rant, but if Michael Moore hates capitalism so much he should just go to North Korea, or Cuba. There's obvi a lot bigger problems in other places in the world.

3) Here's the most serious jitsu of all time. An economics professor found out that Michael Moore went to request taxpayer money to help pay for his movie and got a million dollars for it. Maximum jitsu. How can you have a movie about how fucked up it is that rich people get taxpayer money, and then go get the same shit for yourself. It's not surprising that he won't comment on it because its one of the most jitsu moves for his movie. #da

4) Why does he always do stupid shit? He goes to the Constitution to look to see if it says what kind of economic system we should have, then he starts asking the security guard to point it out to him. I don't understand why he's got to be so jitsu and not just point out that it doesn't specify a system. What a n00b. A bunch of poor Michigan people paid for Michael Moore to go to Washington to look at the Constitution. If that's not n00bjitsu I don't know what is.

Dear god it was hard to sit through,

F

Sleepaway Camp

This is one of the worst movies of all time.

1) The little boygirl killer is really jitsu. If it's just the little girldude killing people the whole time how would they be able to make it rain so quickly. She drowns a dude one handed and manages to shove a 300 pound guy in a boiling plate. And at the end it looks so stupid, they're just standing there like a naked wolverine with all these unexplained blood streaks on them.

2) The kills are even more jitsu. Waving a bee hive at a guy going number two? How did the guy's skin disappear in a matter of minutes? The boiling water caused that one guys skin to explode? One girl got killed with a curling iron and her hands just went straight out in front of her. That last girl that died fell out of the shower hours after she died? Some of the most dominant jitsu of all time.

3) The only redeeming part of this movie is the sheer amount of cussing that goes on, it was kind of tight.

4) This movie was so bad that it makes me like movies that happen at lake house summer camps even less. Shame on this movie for fucking up friday the 13th.

F (and consequently moving the rest of the friday the 13th movies down another peg or 2).