Devil's Due

***Editor's note: this isn't a buff blog post although it is pretty top notch. I've edited tha external links in it but it is otherwise in true @cbear fashion***

**Editor's note 2: I realize the whole post looks goofy. I don't know how that happened. I assume it had something to do with the copying and pasting but I can't figure it out lol.***

Get excited blog world, @cbear's here to guest review the made for TV (not really, but it should have been) movie Devil's Due. Tbh Buff and I had high hopes given we thought it had a 32% on Rotten Tomatoes, which really isn't that bad. Turns out Buff read it wrong and it actually only has 18%, not surprising.  

1) Like many recent cinematic successes (Paranormal Activity 1, Paranormal Activity 2, Paranormal Activity 3, Paranormal Activity 4) this movie was shot in the home video footage style. That was cool but the main dude (a husband documenting his marriage) can't hold a video camera stable to save his fucking life. So I was on the verge of vomiting the whole time and in turn missed a fair amount of the movie. tldr: the cinematography fucking blew. 

2) As a recent Friday Night Lights fan I was psyched to see Matt Saracen was the husband. And I was not so psyched to see this article hit the nail on the head about the FNL curse, none of the actors can make good movies.

3) One of the biggest problems I had with the movie was I was constantly asking questions like "Are those people from the Dominican Republic?", "Did she already have the baby?", "I thought the husband died?", "Are those suppose to be zombies?" I wasn't the only one, even DB Ph. D. couldn't figure it out. 

4) Ya know what's weird? In Paranormal Activity when furniture flies around on its own I fucking freaked out but in this movie I was just like "what is happening? I need to go vomit." They didn't really re-invent the wheel I guess.

In AJ's words "I was so bored I just picked my nose and wiped it on Alan's jeans" which honestly isn't that unusual. But trust me, this isn't one of those ah well why not watch a low rated horror movie because it has some serious DA's like nausea and brain damage. 

Man I really wish we would have chosen All Cheerleaders Die instead. 

D-

Carrie (2013)

Sorry for the delays bw. That jitsu Nov/Dec/January combo is almost over lol.

1) I reviewed tha original movie  back in tha day. It's still got that same overwhelming gross scene at tha beginning lol. Kind of hard to really recover from that.

2) Besides that it was really pretty solid. The girl from Kick-Ass was actually a lot better than I anticipated she would be. I guess I just figured she'd look like she was 5 and wouldn't be able to pull off tha creepy Carrie bit but she was solid. That really good looking chick from tha 70s wasn't magically re-casted it which was expected but also unfortuante lol.

3) The special effects were also pretty sub-par for a movie that was remade. Like that part where the mean chick's head flies through the car or whenever glass was shattering generally. I dunno if that was supposed to indicate that Carrie was controlling it or if it was just poor special effects lol.

4) On a side note, I don't really get tha importance that people attach to prom in these movies. Having been a prom king myself, I can tell you it's actually not that cool lol.

Besides all of my complaining, it was actually really good

A-

This is the End

1) Not really (at all) a horror movie, but it does center around the apocalypse and the devil coming out to get everyone. And it played off tha famous scene in The Exorcist. Also when Jonah Hill got taken over by that devil it was almost a verbatim reenactment of Rosemary's Baby.

2) Really overall pretty solid. It was funny, most of the cast was good (although James Franco had been kinda ruined for me ever since I saw Freaks and Geeks). For the most part, it's kind of hard to go wrong with this cast in a movie.

3) And at least most of the people that would have ruined the movie got sucked into the ground before they had a chance to. That Aziz guy and that Mindy girl drive me bonkers. You almost find yourself cheering for the big hole in the ground to get rid of the annoying famous people before the movie really takes off lol.

4) These end of the world movies have really been solid (see also Cabin in the Woods).

A

The Last Exorcism Part II

1) Pretty weird movie. Having not previously reviewed the first movie, I don't want to spoil too much for my fans lol. The beginning really reminded me of MAMA when that crazy chick is shifting around the house all creepily.

2) Part of my beef with all of the devilesque movies is that there can probably really never be an ending to them. I mean I get that you could (maybe) keep the devil away from possessing an individual. But how are you just supposed to TKO the devil altogether? Even here, there's just a prophecy that he's gonna go to town on the whole planet. How is she supposed to prevent that?

3) Which also begs the question for these movies why there are even sequels. I mean, from the end of this movie the world is already screwed. Hopefully we don't get to see what a third one of these movies looks like lol.

4) Anyone catch that she was staying at the killer from the I Know What You Did Last Summer movies?

Meh,

C-

Camp Hell

1) Uhhhhhhhhh. I should've known that this would be a budge movie after seeing the 9% on rotten tomatoes beforehand. Then again, many a prior movie has gotten mediocre rankings but been a Criterion Collection worthy movie.

2) Well, not this one. "Inspired by true events?" Well what was? Some kid going to Christian camp then leaving it after figuring out that he wasn't tuning into the whole religion thing? I'm awestruck that such events have ever happened. I kept thinking that something cray would happen but it never did. I mean, I guess the devil does jump out at the priest, but I'm not sure that this movie really re-invented the wheel on that one. 

3) The dude on the movie cover from that horrible fbook movie is actually in the movie for like 15 seconds. How they managed to put his face on the cover of the movie when he just has a cameo role is beyond me.

4) And smh for that Shea girl from Buckwild not popping up in it. (Hopefully getting over that whole Shea thing before too long lol).

It was just so uneventful,

D

Case 39

Been awhile since I've seen this one and been awhile since I've blogged about a horror movie lol.

1) Striking resemblance to The Orphan. It's like the middle class social advocate who wants to help someone out who eventually gets hoisted on their own petard. Wikipedia tells me that the girl from the Orphan was actually considered for the part of Lillith. And that ending too- both girls end up drowning while the lead character swims away.

2) It also reminded me a lot of The Butterfly Effect in the sense that the main character knows someone crazy who they later discover was right about all of the shenanigans the whole movie and not actually crazy. Only at the end of this movie she just gets to go back to reality which is kinda cray given that she burnt down her house, ran off a bridge, and generally was outta control.

3) It was pretty spooky but I thought the ending kinda dragged on for a little too long. Like, we get that she figures out that the girl is the antichrist but then it takes her forever to finally get some resolution to the whole thing. I don't really know how you resolve having custody of the antichrist, but it seemed like she coulda done it quicker.

4) Pretty spooky that this girl was the little girl from Cabin in the Woods.

B-

Damien: Omen 2

1) Actually a pretty solid movie in the context of sequels. To be fair most of the initial sequels to the biggest horror movies have been good (see Halloween 2, Friday the 13th Part 2, and Nightmare on Elm Street 2), but this one was good too.

2)  I should preface that by saying that I've never seen any other sequel to the original Omen, so it's totally possible that all of the other ones rule too but I'm pessimistic.

3) It gets pretty redundant when all of the people keep dying the same way.  It makes sense that Damien can just make them die off. But how does he have this crow with superpowers that follows him around and TKO's anyone who's suspicious of him? Seems like it's kind of cheating.

4) And how doesn't he notice the giant 666 on the top of his head? I mean, the kids 13 and has probably gotten at least 100 haircuts. Wouldn't the school nurse have checked it for lice at some point and been like: "Holy God, he has the sign of the antichrist engraved on his head, I should think about alerting the local priest."

Nothing compared to the original but still pretty good,

B

The House of the Devil

1) Big shout out to @danger for recommending this one. It was pretty solid all around. Girl needs money so she goes and babysits and all this crazy stuff starts going on with the creepy family.

2) It had one of the scariest jump-out-of-your-seat moments that I've had in forever. There's this part where her friend leaves the house and this creepy guy starts talking to her. Then he just says- 'so your not the babysitter?' and pulls out a gun and just kills her. It was just so crazy unexpected /o\

3) The rest of the movie was pretty unpredictable/original. They did a solid job of making it seem like it was made in the 80s.

4) My only real beef with it was just how malicious/unforgiving/disturbing the whole movie was. Back on one halloween, me, the colonel, milhouse, and the old lady friend watched every halloween movie. At the end of all of them we all just had this feeling that was like, man the ending to that was messed up. I got that feeling again but it only took 1 movie.

5) Tight how Dee Wallace was in the first part of the movie. She's in a wreck of horror movies and is a KU grad!

B

The Devil Inside

1) These exorcist movies are real hit or miss. This one reminded me of a slightly better version of Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes: bad ending and a poor attempt at showing 'actual' footage.

2) And this might have been one of the worst movie endings of all time. I mean, I get having everyone just be possessed and stuff but what was up with the "for more information about this ongoing investigation please visit the following website"? They couldn't just say 'we never knew what happened' but had to try and get viewers to go log on to some website to generate more money for this mediocre movie? SMH.

3) In the interests of full disclosure, I did not go log onto this other website so maybe I didn't see the actual movie ending. I didn't want to endorse this ending anymore lol.

4) I guess for all the possession movies that have been floating around this one was at least kind of original. I didn't get board and they never really explored this plot angle before.

Meh,

C-

The Devil

1) I'm a big fan of movies that stay around the hour and a half range but I'm always skeptical of those that are only an hour and 13 minutes long. My skepticism turned out to be justified lol.

2) I'm no religion expert (although going to Church is tight), but I don't understand the deal the devil made with the guy at the end of the movie. It's like because he confessed to the cops the devil won't take him anymore? Why is the devil concerned with him making peace with the world? Why would he care at all? I don't get it.

3) In addition to my fear of heights, I'm not wild about elevators. I mean, there's only a chance the thing locks up/plummets and it's all because people were too lazy to take the stairs. I guess being trapped with the devil is reason number 2 just to take the stairs.

4) It was hard to take that one guy from Supertroopers too seriously at the beginning of the movie. I think they really wanted the audience to think he was the devil, but the whole time I just kept imagining him trying to lick the elevator saying "The Snozberries really taste like Snozberries."

Ehhhh

C-

11/11/11

1) SMH. I was really looking forward to watching (what I thought was) this movie. This popped up on the netflix instant thing and it turned out its actually this knock off movie. The original one is about a guy who goes to Europe and keeps seeing the number 11. This one is just titled 11/11/11 instead of 11-11-11. smh.

2) This movie is actually like a junior varsity version of The Omen. I mean it's almost identical except for the 6/6/6 thing. They have a crazy evil nurse/housekeeper who tries to get the kid to realize his devil potential, the kid doesn't speak the whole time, and the mom accidentally gets pregnant even though she didn't mean to. I mean I guess the one difference is that he actually follows through and kills the son at the end.

3) The only problem is there are just these goofy plot additions. I mean, what was up with the scene where the 5 professors are sitting around in the smoke filled car talking about their evil plan? And why does this crazy cat lady keep bringing the kid the lemonade? And how do those bees just come up in that police car and attack that guy?

4) I can't stand all the people cutting themselves either. People just touching my wrists in general give me the willies but that stuff is just way over the top.

C

Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes

Uhhhhhhhhh.

1) It's a pretty bad movie. They say all the "material" used for the film is real at the beginning and hasn't been doctored or anything but that's obviously not true when they switch to the sepia color film. Unless there were like 42 cameras available for this and hi-tech night vision cameras back in the day I'm calling shenanigans.

2) I was only half paying attention but it seems like it just kinda slow/drawn out. Then again I feel like this with a lot of movies.

3) FWIW, exorcism movies really freak me out. Hell, even back in the day Days of Our Lives really spooked me out. Marlena got possessed by the devil and I nearly had to quit watching the show.

4) You know how sometimes movies try to appeal to people by saying "from the directors of really good movie x"? I didn't realize that this one tried to appeal by saying it was the tapes that inspired The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I mean, don't get it twisted, that's a good movie and all, but trying to just appeal to the story? Eh.

5) And dear god was the ending bad. Was it just so low budge that they couldn't keep the feed going or was that cutting in and out supposed to be dramatic? #SMH

D-

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

1) This was a lot scarier the first time I saw it. It's still spooky and I still jumped a few times, but it wasn't like I remembered. I think maybe the ghost faces and the bloody eye things weren't as crazy when you expected them again.

2) It was probably less spooky given that I've seen Dexter since then. Dexter's sister always seems like she can bully the shit out of people so it seems less creepy when you watch the movie because you think she could just make it rain if she needed to.

3) I think the movie's scary because it's whole theme is whether or not these shenanigans could be true or not. It's like the Chucky movies where all the non-believers get mowed down, only here its all the atheist people (and some of the catholics). I need to start going back to church.

Spooky spooky,

B+

The Omen (1976)

Saw this on the hotel tv, forgot that I never did it in October.

1) One of the really good older movies. It's so good that it's even like 2 hours long but I could still manage to pay attention.

2) One of the few movies I ever jumped out of my seat for. An old lady friend and I watched it with speakers right behind us when the babysitter starts staring at that dog and then that creepy music comes on. I dunno why it was so spooky. I'm not scared of dogs, or of crazy babysitters, but some combination of the three was creepy as hell.

3) I could go without all the trips to the Middle East/devil investigating by Thorn. It's creepy when the photographer finds all the devil pictures but the rest of the investigation was kind of pointless.

4) It didn't have as many scary parts as the 2006 version, but it was tight overall. The babysitter jumping off the roof is freaky, and so is the housekeeper.

5) Tight ending to set up a sequel. Good stuff.

A

The Exorcist

1) I never understood why they do all the parts in the Middle East at the beginning. Like I get that there's spooky shit that happens there but it's hardly ever mentioned during the rest of these movies. All of the Exorcist movies do this and so does The Omen Collection [Blu-ray]. I just don't get it.

2) Really one of the most objectively scary movies of all time. There's kind of the weird creepy parts like where she pees herself, or where the wigi board thing is moving. But theres also the real scary stuff, like when she spins her head around, or when she walks on her hands backwords down the staircase.

3) I think it's also creepy b/c of the whole devil thing. Back in the day when I used to watch days of our lives, Marlana got possessed by the devil and the VHS recording I took just blacked out the whole devil part. Spooky shit like that scares the bejesus out of me.

4) The spooky music here is good too.

Overall good, but too scary to watch too often (like the omen)

A